“Well, that’s me. Everyone’s different. Might have been better if I’d loosened up a bit and not been a monk these past few years.” Josiah gave a rueful smile. “It’s not what Peter would have wanted.”
“And Tyler… he couldn’t get over Mum’s death, to the point of pursuing this vendetta against me to a ludicrous extent.”
It was the most Alex had said in a while, which was encouraging.
“Grief does different things to different people. Tyler had to pursue vengeance to make himself feel better, Elliot Dacre tried to buy a replacement husband, and I locked my feelings in a box and walked around like a zombie.” Josiah shrugged. “Maybe Ted had the healthiest response of us all.”
“I used to sleep with Mum’s scarf under my pillow. It had her scent on it.” Alex’s eyes were dark. “I miss her so much. Dad never got over losing her, any more than Tyler did. Both hated me for it.”
“I don’t believe your father ever hated you.”
“You’re wrong. He disowned me.” Alex closed his eyes wearily.
“Would you like to see him?” The idea occurred to Josiah suddenly, and he could have kicked himself for not thinking of it before.
Alex gave a hollow laugh. “He won’t want to see me, Joe.”
“Would you like me to try? Charles will visit, I’m sure. Would you like that?”
“They won’t come,” Alex said, and then he got up slowly, like an old man. “I’m going to bed now.”
Josiah lay awake in the night thinking about the possibility of Noah Lytton visiting his son. He didn’t relish the thought of another trip to The Orchard, but it’d be worth it if he could bring father and son together again. That was a big “if”. There was so much betrayal there, on both sides.
Then his mind wandered to his conversation with Tyler about Alex not being in love with him. Was it possible that Tyler had genuinely been in love with Alex? He’d certainly been as obsessed with him in his own way as Neil had. Yet, the last thing Josiah wanted was to give Tyler’s poisonous whisperings any real estate in his mind – nothing good could come of that. Supposing it was true, though, and there had been some kind of romantic relationship between Tyler and Alex? Did it change anything? Just because he didn’t want to believe it, didn’t mean it wasn’t true.
He was so busy turning these thoughts over that he didn’t sleep well. He was, therefore, aware of Alex slipping out of the bed at 2a.m. and not returning. He waited, assuming he’d gone to the toilet, but after half an hour he decided to go looking for him. He found him in the living room, sitting on the sofa, staring at the wall, which was how he was most of the time now.
“Everything okay?” He sat down on the sofa beside him.
“Sorry. Didn’t mean to wake you.”
Josiah reached out to stroke his arm, but Alex flinched, so he drew back. “Hey, what’s going on?” he asked quietly.
“Nothing. I don’t know. I’m so tired, but I can’t sleep.”
“Alex, you can sleep in the spare room if you want, like you did in the beginning,” Josiah told him gently. “There’sno pressure, no assumption.” They hadn’t had sex since Alex’s abduction, but he wanted to spell it out all the same.
“Thank you,” Alex said quietly. “I was thinking about what you said to Neil, about me never having the time and space to figure out love. About…” He ducked his head, hesitating, then looked up. “Not really being in love with you.”
“It’s true,” Josiah said softly. “I don’t think youarein love with me, Alex. You’re in love with the idea of me, or you were once, because it was something to hang on to when your life was intolerable. The real me is less heroic, less white knight, more… human.” He gave a wry smile.
“You may be right.” Alex turned to face him, and Josiah’s heart broke a little. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I know it’s not what you want to hear. You’ve been so good to me.”
“And you’ve been goodforme,” Josiah said firmly. “Alex, you released me from my grief, and for that, I’ll always be grateful. The feelings we had for each other were forged in that terrible moment when Peter died. We fought for him together, watched him die together. We were thrown together in that instance. Maybe we mistook that intensity for something deeper. We’ll always be connected because of that night, but it doesn’t mean we’re in love. I’ll always care about you, but…” He shrugged. “Maybe we rushed into this on the strength of those huge emotions, and now reality is setting in. You think I don’t see the real you, but I’m not sure you even know who that is after years of suppressing it. Now is not the right time for you to sustain a romantic relationship. I doubt you’re even capable of that right now.”
“No. I think you’re right.” Alex gazed at him sadly. “I want you to know…” He took a deep breath. “Please view yourself as free. I mean, if you want to bring anyone home…”
Josiah put up his hand. “Alex, I did without sex for seven years. I’m not about to go looking for it right now, with all thisgoing on. Let’s take the pressure off, okay? You need time and space to find out who you are. There are no obligations – you don’t owe me anything, least of all sex. If there was ever any part of our interactions that led you to believe that, then I’m very sorry. That’s on me.”
“No. I always wanted you.” Alex gave a faint smile. “You didn’t misread that. But…” He hesitated, then ploughed on. “I also wanted you onside, and I’ve always used sex to please my houders. I can’t be sure how much that was also my motivation.” He looked at him from under his eyelashes, shamefaced. “I’m sorry – I’m just trying to be honest.”
“I’m glad.” Josiah gave a thoughtful nod. “I don’t blame you. How could I? Knowing your story, this makes perfect sense. It’s good that we’re having this conversation now. It’s not fun, or romantic, but at least it’s real.” He gave a sigh. “Just so long as you know I’ll always be here for you, regardless.”
“Thank you.”
“Will you try and get some rest? In your own room?” Josiah asked.
“In a little while.”
