“It was a joke. It’s late.” Josiah surveyed the food in dismay, not feeling up to the challenge of such a big meal at this time of night. He sat down anyway, sensing Alex’s brittle mood.
“You’re working all hours on the case I made you pursue, so the least I can do is be a good IS. I’ve done the laundry, cleaned the house, and polished all your shoes.” Alex looked positivelydemented as he waved his arm at the tidy room. “I’m a good servant. I learned how to be that, at least.”
“But you don’t need to be, not with me,” Josiah said softly. “You’re not my servant, Alex.”
“Then what am I?” Alex snapped. “All I’ve been for the past few years is whatever my houder has wanted me to be. What am I now?”
“Yourself.” Josiah reached out to calm him down, but Alex twisted away from him. “Use this time to rediscover who you are, Alex.”
“Why?” Alex threw his hands in the air. “I’m going to be sold again when this is all over. Do you have any idea how fucking difficult it’ll be to rediscover who Alex is, only to have to bury him again? It was hard enough the first time.”
“I understand.” Josiah stared at him helplessly, feeling out of his depth.
“No, you don’t!” Alex brought his hand crashing down so hard on the table, the plates went flying, landing on the floor and shattering. “You don’t.”
“Hey – it’s okay.” Josiah reached for him again, but Alex pushed him away.
“You wouldn’t like the real me anyway, Joe. He’s moody, selfish, and difficult. You only like the me I’ve pretended to be.”
“Is that what’s bothering you? That I won’t like you?” Josiah shook his head tiredly. He’d had a long day, and Alex’s emotions had been so volatile recently that he was struggling to cope. “Alex, I already like you. I know you think I don’t see the real you, but I do. I see the man who did everything he could to seek justice for his friend, someone who was placed in an impossible position but who tried his hardest for someone he loved.”
Alex glared at him savagely. “No! I’m not a good man, Joe. I never was. As for getting justice for Solange, what took me so long? All those years waiting for my opportunity. I felt paralysed.I was so scared of getting it wrong that I didn’t do anything until the situation was forced on me by Elliot’s murder. So, don’t tell me that I did well by Solange, because that was by accident. I did nothing for her.”
“That’s not true,” Josiah told him firmly. “You held faith until youcouldact, and then you did.”
“You would have found a way,” Alex told him resentfully. “Youwould have risked more, been braver, and made more decisive moves. I just treaded water for all these years.”
“I don’t think I could have done what you did, Alex.”
“No, because you’re too forthright, too authentic, too real. I’m a fake, Joe.” Josiah braced himself for another rampage as Alex began pacing restlessly around the room. “All I do is pretend! I’ve pretended so much that I have no idea who I am anymore. I was a shitty person before I became an IS, and I still am.”
“That’s okay,” Josiah murmured soothingly. “Alex, it’s okay for you to be whoever you really are when you’re with me, even if that’s the shittiest person in the whole damn world. You’ve been through so much trauma that it might take you a long time to find out who you really are. It’s okay if there are ups and downs, and it’s okay, too, if you break all the crockery in my house finding out.” Surveying the wreckage of the plates, he gave a wry smile.
Alex’s mood broke in the face of his feeble attempt at humour.
“Oh shit. I wanted to do something nice for you, and instead I’m haranguing you.” He sat down at the table with a thump. “I’m so sorry.”
“Please stop trying so hard,” Josiah sighed. “You don’t have to please me, Alex. You don’t have to serve me. You don’t have to be anything to me. I don’t need anything from you. Not food, or a tidy house, or…” He hesitated. “Sex.” Alex’s head shot up. “Iknow you’ve had to use sex to survive. I know you think you still have to. I just want you to know that you don’t have to with me.”
Alex’s face twisted in fury again. “Dear God, let me have one fucking thing that I can call my own. You really have no idea! All these years of being told who to fuck, of pretending to enjoy it – and thinking aboutyouwas the only thing that kept me sane. You’re the one person Idowant to fuck, Joe. I used to fantasise about you. I tried not to, because you were kind to me, and it felt kind of sleazy, but I saw what you had with Peter, and I wanted it so badly. Yeah, your husband was butchered in that awful way, and shitty Alex Lytton could only think about how much he wanted to fuck you. That’s how much of a bad person I am, Joe. That’s the kind of man I really am.”
“It’s hard to take offence at that, Alex. I’m flattered.” He grinned, but Alex just glared at him moodily. “Look, Peter is long gone, and you had nothing to do with his death. I know you’re blaming yourself, but you were trying to escape. It’s not your fault that Tyler’s search teams spooked Driessen; he was already in a fragile state of mental health, I suspect. Peter knew that what we did was dangerous. I’ve been blaming myself for not having better safety protocols in place, but Peter wouldn’t have followed them anyway, knowing him. We both need to stop blaming ourselves for his death. It won’t bring him back, and he’d hate it if he knew we were doing this. The one thing I’m certain of is thathewouldn’t blame us. He wasn’t like that.”
“No, because he was a fucking saint – saving indies, rescuing puppies, and being a fantastic husband – and all with his endless bloody good humour, and I’m nothing like him. I screw up people’s lives, Joe, and I really don’t want to do that to you. You should send me back, get rid of me, sooner rather than later. I’m no good for you. I’m only going to cause you heartache. I’ll ruin your career, and I’ll ruin your life.”
“I can take responsibility for my own life,” Josiah told him sharply. “You brought me a case, and I’m damned if I’m going to let that poor Quarterlands girl down the way everyone else did. I’ll bring Tyler down if it’s humanly possible, and I’ll find who killed Elliot Dacre because that’s my job, and as for you… you should give yourself a break.” He placed his hand over Alex’s. “I mean it, love. I don’t know what the future brings, but right here, right now, you have sanctuary and a safe place to be whoever it is you are – or to try on different Alex Lyttons for size every day until you figure it out. You don’t need to be anything for me, least of all perfect. Peter wasn’t, you know, and I’m sure as hell not.”
Alex buried his head in his hands. “I always thought that what you had with Peter was so wonderful, the tiny glimpse I had of it anyway. I saw you bantering with him in the car, laughing and teasing, and there was this love there that Ilongedfor so much it hurt. Now I have you, all I’ve done is blackmail you, turn your life upside down, and make you miserable.”
“Blackmail me?” Josiah raised an eyebrow.
“Well, I have, haven’t I? I’ve kept information from you about Elliot to force you to investigate Solange’s murder. I’m a very poor substitute for Peter.”
“I don’t want a substitute for Peter,” Josiah said firmly. “Peter’s gone, and despite all the chaos you’ve brought into my life, I’ve been happier these past few weeks than I was for years. You woke me up, Alex. I was barely alive at all before, I was just existing, but now I can feel things again, and that’s because of you.” He leaned over and pressed a gentle kiss to Alex’s cheek.
A look of chagrin came over Alex’s features. “Sorry – again,” he muttered. “Creating all this drama when you’re so tired. You don’t want this big meal, do you?” He waved his hand wearily at the table.
“Not really,” Josiah admitted. “Alex, please, go easy on yourself. I’m not surprised you’re veering from one emotion to another. For years you weren’t able to show any emotions at all.” He paused and then laughed.
