I should be able to tell my mother that’s what I want, but the part of me that doesn’t want to disappoint her has me biting my tongue. I can’t ruin the dream she has had for me since I was a child.
“Mom, I’ve got to go. My lunch period is almost over,” I lie. “I love you. I’ll call you again soon.”
“Please do. It’s been too long since I’ve heard your beautiful voice. I love you, baby.”
We hang up, and I hang my head. How one phone call could drain so much of my energy, I will never understand.
Yet here I am, feeling emotionally drained.
I wish I had the courage to tell her the truth, but for now I’ll take the coward’s way out.
* * *
I’m sitting in the locker room waiting for Clay to come out of Coach’s office. Once a week he stays behind and discusses with Coach how we could be better.
Today is the day. I need to talk to him and put all the shit truly under the bridge. I can’t keep holding on to the shame from last year.
I started my talks with a few of my exes from high school. At first, they weren’t happy to hear from me, but after talking, I think we mended fences. None of them resent me for what I did.
Then there was Monica. She refused to answer my call, and I can’t seem to catch her on campus. So I skipped her for now, moving onto Clay.
I hear him and Coach talking as they exit his office. Then Coach must head out as I hear the locker room door shut behind him. Clay comes around the corner, startling when he sees me.
“Jesus, dude. Way to be a creeper. What are you still doing here?” Clay asks.
“We need to talk,” I tell him.
He looks at me for a moment before nodding and straddling the bench next to me. “So we do. Go on,” he tells me.
I’m silent for many moments. My chest tightens as I realize that I need to admit some really uncomfortable things to Clay right now. My hands grow clammy as I work up the courage to spit it out.
All the while, Clay sits there patiently waiting for me. He doesn’t seem to be in a hurry at all. This is why he is the captain. He is good at it.
“I was jealous of you,” I manage after a moment.
“For what?” he asks, not taking it easy on me.
“Grace, the team, all of it. Before I came here, you were my idol. I wanted to be just like you. Then I met you, and I thought about how cool you were. Then Grace happened, and it all started to fall. I resented you, and you didn’t deserve that.”
“No, I didn’t.”
“Grace was my best friend. She always showed up to my games and stayed by my side. In high school, it was easier. Classes weren’t so demanding. Hockey didn’t require as much. She fit easily into my life. Then we came here, and everything became more precarious. I couldn’t balance the spinning plates anymore, and they all crashed on top of me.”
“Have you ever talked to anyone about the pressure you are under?” Clay asks.
I shake my head. “Never thought I had to. Everything was perfect before I came here. I had this dream in my head. You were going to be my other best friend. My guy best friend. We would hang out, and you would teach me all you know about hockey. Then you would get drafted, and I’d become the youngest captain in school history. It’s so fucking dumb. I know, but it’s what I wanted. Then you took Grace from me.” I hold up my hand to stop him from interrupting. “I know you really didn’t, but it felt that way. You weren’t nice to me. It seemed like you hated me at times. You weren’t teaching me anything. Then you didn’t declare for the draft and stayed, stealing my hopes of being captain too. I blamed you for it all.”
“I didn’t do any of that to spite you. You know that, right? I mean, I wasn’t nice to you, but it’s because of how you made Grace feel,” Clay admits. “I could have handled shit better too. Tried to talk to you.”
I shake my head. “I wouldn’t have heard you. It took hitting rock bottom to realize how bad I fucked everything up. I was so far into my own world that I couldn’t see anyone outside of it.”
“What changed your view of it?” Clay asks.
“Grace at first. My mom over summer break. Then Cora. She’s really the one who has shown me what a terrible person I was. I don’t want to be him anymore, though. I want to be a good teammate. I want you guys to trust and rely on me. I want to hopefully be the friend Grace deserves. I know I have work to do there, but I hope she can forgive me. If not, I’ll understand, but I won’t stop being her friend even if she doesn’t want to be mine. I really fucking hope I can prove to you that I am worthy of your sister. I won’t say I will ever deserve her because I won’t. She is so much better than me, but I hope one day you will agree with me when I say that I am the man who will do anything to put a smile on her face. I’ll protect and care for her.”
He claps a hand on my shoulder. “Grace is an amazing woman. She will forgive you. I bet if you asked her right now, she wouldn’t even admit she was ever mad at you. That’s who she is. You need to have that conversation with her. As for the rest of it, you are using your actions to prove it to us every day. You keep showing up to practice and giving it your all, and the guys will be good. Don’t make my sister cry, and we will be even better.”
“I’ll keep doing better,” I promise him.
