‘Yup,’ I said.‘Okay, behave yourselves and don’t get kicked out.I’m going to find Katie.’
I was on my way to her when Fiachra walked in.He looked even better than he had at the last gig.
‘Back again?’I said.I was pretty sure he wouldn’t hold thefact that I had kissed him and then basically run away from him against me.And I was right.
‘I couldn’t keep away,’ he said.‘People are going to think I’m here as your groupie.’
‘Are you?’I said.I was surprised by how glad I was to see him.
‘That depends.’His grin was typically wicked.‘Do you want me to be?’
‘Hmmm.’I returned his smile.‘Maybe.See me after the show.’
‘Yes, ma’am,’ he said, and saluted.
And the way he looked at me made me forget about Tadhg, just for a second.
This time the audience weren’t surprised when we were good.This time they were anticipating it.And while this put us under a bit of pressure, their enthusiasm was infectious.There were huge cheers when Tadhg stepped up to the mic and introduced our first song, ‘Midnight Feast’, and it just got better from there.When he and I were on stage with Jo and Brian, it was like nothing had changed between us.When we were on stage, we had a bond that no one else could have.When we were on stage, nothing else mattered.
Until, towards the end of the set, we reached the one song I’d been dreading.
‘This one is for Jess,’ said Tadhg, looking down with a heart-meltingsmile at the front of the crowd, where Jess was standing with her glossy friends.‘I love you, you know.It’s called ‘On My Mind’.’
As I played the song’s opening guitar line, I held my head high, looking towards the back of the room with a thousand-yard stare.I carefully avoided looking at Jess and her friends dancing in front of the stage.I avoided looking at Tadhg when I could help it.I was afraid he’d see how much this all hurt me.I was afraid Katie might have been right.
When we left the stage we were all besieged by friends and acquaintances but also total strangers.Tadhg made a beeline for Jess, who was waiting for him on the other side of the venue, her face aglow.Girls kept stopping him to, presumably, tell him how great he was, or give him their numbers, or simply proposition him, but he just smiled politely at them and kept going until he reached Jess and swung her around in his arms.
A few minutes later, just after the lights dimmed to announce last orders, I was on my way to the bar when I saw Fiachra on the other side of the room, talking to Ruairí.He glanced over, caught my eye and smiled.I didn’t look away.Fiachra said something to Ruairí and made his way to me.
‘Well, here I am,’ he said.‘Reporting for duty.’
‘How were we?’I said, gesturing towards the now-empty stage.
‘You,’ said Fiachra, ‘were spectacular.’
I met his amused, appreciative gaze and I thought,Yes.
I was tired of having my heart broken by someone who didn’t even know he was doing it.I was tired of passively standing there watching Jess and Tadhg have the romance of the new century.I was tired of letting stuffhappento me.I wanted to actively choose something.And now there was a hot, tall, flirty boy standing in front of me who made it clear that he wanted me and who would be completely happy with a no-strings-attached, mutually satisfying hook-up.Possibly multiple no-strings-attached, mutually satisfying hook-ups.
So I chose to kiss Fiachra in front of the stage that night.And then I chose to go home with him.And when he went down on me, I can honestly say I wasn’t thinking about Tadhg at all.
I didn’t see Tadhg until that Saturday, when we met as usual to get the bus to Stillorgan, and when we were walking to the bus stop he said, ‘So are you and your ex back together, then?’
And I said, as airily as I could, ‘Ah, you know, we’re having fun.Neither of us is looking for anything really serious right now.’
‘Oh,’ said Tadhg.‘Cool.As long as you’re happy.’
‘I’m very happy,’ I said.
I hoped seeing Tadhg and Jess together would get easier – it had to get easier, right?But it never did, not really.I just got used to it.I learned not to think about it too much when she wasn’taround.I focused on making music with Joanna and Brian and Tadhg, which always made me feel better, and when Tadhg and I caught each other’s eye at band practice and I felt that old spark, I reminded myself that we were just friends and nothing more.One Saturday I reluctantly had to miss band practice because my period cramps were so bad and I realised just how much I needed that weekly afternoon of music.The weekend felt utterly flat without it.
And so the months went by.I applied for a Communications MA in DCU, and Katie applied, to everyone’s surprise, for the HDip in teaching.Jo and Brian applied for postgrads in the US and the UK, which made me worry about the future of the band, but they both insisted the odds of them being accepted were tiny so we didn’t need to think about it.Tadhg landed a well-paid summer job, teaching at a teen rock camp in DCU.Fiachra and I sometimes met up and fooled around and it was always a good time.Katie and Sarah persuaded me to join them and book a J1-visa summer trip, working in New York.‘If the only thing stopping you going to America is Tadhg,’ Katie said, ‘think of being here all summer on your own while he works in that camp and then jets off to Jess’s villa in the south of France.A break will do you good.It’s only three months.’
I knew she was right.I needed to move on.I needed to look to the future.I needed to be far away from Tadhg and Jess, just for a while.
But then they broke up.
Chapter Twenty-Six
