‘I think we should play a really loud one,’ said Joanna.‘Oh, hi Jess!’
‘Budge up there, Laura, let Jess in,’ said Brian.
‘Sorry, of course!’I said.
I budged and Jess slid into the banquette between me and Tadhg.He put his arm around her shoulders and the two of them exchanged a look of such mutual affection that, to my shame, I had to dig my nails into my palms to stop my eyes filling with tears.I had never felt anything like the jealousy I felt when she was around, a corrosive mixture of pain and anger and a resentment that I knew in my heart wasn’t justified, which added guilt to the toxic mix.But I plastered on a smile and said, ‘Okay!I’m going to the bar.What are you drinking, Jess?’
‘Pint of Guinness, please!’she said, snuggling into Tadhg’s side.‘Thanks a million.’
It wasn’t the first time I’d seen them together, of course, but somehow seeing her here, inourplace, in our little world, was just too much for me.Katie was going through one of her smoking phases, and when I got back from the bar with the drinks she took one look at my face and said, ‘I’m going out for a fag.Come with me, Lol?’
I followed her outside.Once we were out in Dame Lane, shehanded me a cigarette, lit it and her own and said, ‘You can’t go on like this.’
‘I don’t have a choice,’ I said.
‘Yes,’ she said.‘You do.You could put some distance between you and him.It’s hurting you too much.’
‘How can I put distance between us?’I said.‘We’re in a band together!’
Katie took a drag of her cigarette and exhaled.‘You could leave the band.’
‘What?’
‘You could leave the band,’ she said again.
‘I can’t leave the band!’
‘Why not?’said Katie.
‘Because it’s … because it’sthe band!’
‘You could start another band,’ said Katie.‘You’re so talented, Lol.If you wanted, you could get a whole new band together tomorrow.’
‘But I don’t want to!’I said.‘I want …’
What did I want?I wanted to make music with the band.I wanted to hang out with Tadhg.I wanted Tadhg to be in love with me.
Two out of three wasn’t too bad, right?
‘I wantthisband,’ I said.‘And I want to stay friends with him.’
‘But it’s making you so unhappy,’ she said.
‘That’ll wear off,’ I said.‘It’s just because him and Jess is still so new.’
‘It’s been nearly two months,’ said Katie.
‘I’m not leaving the band,’ I said.‘I’m not letting fucking Jess push me out of my own band.’I stubbed out the cigarette I had barely inhaled.‘I’m serious, Katie.I’m not losing my band as well.’
Word of The Band Laura’s In had clearly spread, because on the night of our headline gig there was a queue outside the venue before the doors opened.I sneaked in Annie and her best friend, Roo – they were barely seventeen and looked so young that if they’d tried to pay in they would definitely have been asked for ID they didn’t have.
‘Are all these people seriously here to see you?’said Annie in such disbelieving tones I’d have been offended if she weren’t my little sister.Before I could answer she grabbed my arm and said, ‘Oh my God, who’s your man in the suit?’
I followed her gaze and saw Tadhg, talking to his sister Rosie at the bar.
‘That’s Tadhg,’ I said.
‘YourbandmateTadhg?’She and Roo stared at me with something like awe.
