You okay Laura?Hope I didn’t do anything to upset you last night.xx
I told him he hadn’t and wished him a happy Christmas.Over the weekend a part of me wished I’d sent Fiachra a very different reply to his text.A part of me wished I’d suggested finishing what we’d started.A part of me wished I’d spent the entire weekend in Fiachra’s room in his shared house off Dorset Street, fucking him until he made me forget all about Tadhg.But I’d probably have started crying about Tadhg while Fiachra was going down on me or something.I wasn’t in the right state to be with anyone else.
I didn’t hear from Tadhg over the weekend, and I obviously wasn’t going to contact him first.I tormented myself with thoughts of what he might be doing.In all of these miserable imaginings, he hadn’t left Jess’s flat.He hadn’t left Jess’s bed.
Katie was amazing throughout all this.She let me rage and she let me cry all over her.She told me Tadhg was an idiot, that he couldn’t do better than me, that Jess was probably reallyhigh-maintenance and he’d get sick of her in no time, and I knew none of this was true but I let her say it anyway.
On Monday afternoon, the day before Christmas Eve, I finally got a text from Tadhg.
Hey Lol, hope the rest of Thursday night was fun.We should do some music stuff over the holidays – let me know if you’re free.Have a great Christmas!
I almost didn’t reply, but then I thought that would look worse, so I just sent ‘Sounds good, happy Christmas!’. Then I read his message again.And again.Over the next few days I spent more effort analysing that text message than I’d spent analysing any of my prescribed college texts all term.
‘You don’t even know if he’s going out with Jess!’said Katie.She really did have the patience of a saint during all this.‘He just shifted her!You were with Fiachra and you’re not going out with him.’
The day after St Stephen’s Day, I was lying on my bed thinking about that stupid text yet again when my phone rang.I felt sick when I saw his name.For a split second I thought about not answering.As long as I didn’t talk to him, there was still that uncertainty, that tiny possibility it might not be true.
But I knew it was true.
I sat up and answered the phone.
‘Hey, Lol!’Did his voice sound nervous or was that my fevered imagination?‘Um, it’s me.’
‘Hey!’I said.‘How was Christmas?’
‘Ah, you know, the usual.Lots of visiting relations, then eating loads of Roses and watching shit telly.Pretty good.’
‘Same,’ I said.‘I basically stayed in my pyjamas all day yesterday.’I didn’t tell him I’d spent most of the day torturing myself with thoughts about him.‘Please tell me you’re not secretly one of those awful hearty people who goes for a walk at, like, nine a.m.on Stephen’s Day.’
‘Ha!No, I’m not.’There was a pause.And that pause made my stomach drop.‘But I did go to Wicklow yesterday.So there were some walks.’
‘Oh, right,’ I said.
‘Yeah,’ he said.‘I went to Jess’s folks’ house.’
I squeezed my eyes shut tightly and prayed that I could keep my voice steady.
‘Oh, right!’I said again.‘I bet they have a nice house.’
‘They do,’ said Tadhg.‘It’s a big Georgian thing.’
‘Wow,’ I said.‘Fancy.’
‘And actually,’ he said, ‘me and Jess.’He paused.‘We’re together.Like, going out together.Since the night of the gig.’
Don’t say ‘oh, right’ yet again, Laura.I took a deep breath.
‘That’s brilliant!’I said.‘She’s so great.’
‘She really is,’ he said, and something in the tone of his voicemade tears come to my eyes.‘So what’s the story with you and … was it Ferdia?’
I breathed out softly and tried to sound like someone who wasn’t crying.‘Fiachra?He’s that guy I went out with in first and second year.There’s always been, you know, a spark between us.’
‘He’s not the one you wrote ‘Midnight Feast’ about, then?’said Tadhg.
‘God, no!Verymuch not,’ I added.‘That was Dan.’
‘Ah yes,’ said Tadhg.‘Anyway … speaking of our songs, do you fancy playing some this weekend?’
