“Done what?” I ask.
“Be around Liam. I’m fine with him, but our history only goes back less than two years. I do know that if I had to see my ex all the time, I’d become homicidal. How you’ve been around him day after day for ten years is mind-boggling to me,” she replies.
My muscles relax knowing someone understands, even a little. “I’m angry all the time. I don’t know what has changed all of a sudden, but I can’t seem to let it go.”
Harlow shrugs. “Makes sense to me. Liam fell off the wagon, and it brought back too many memories. It doesn’t take a lot to get triggered. I had issues when we moved back here. Scott andI both wanted to come back and raise our little one with our new family close by, especially with his parents traveling all the time. When Scott put on his uniform for his first day as the head coach of the Central Valley Tigers baseball team, I had a panic attack. For a moment, I was trapped back in that lifeless house, walking on eggshells to keep from sending my ex into a drunken rant. So, trust me when I say I do get it.”
She really does, too. Liam, as shitty of a husband as he was, didn’t have anything on Harlow’s ex. He was emotionally and physically abusive to her that I know of. I suspect the abuse was worse than I know, but isn’t that always the case?
I’ve learned not to compare trauma. That doesn’t stop making the past hurt, and other people’s experiences don’t exist as some sort of gauge to measure your pain against. Hurting isn’t a competitive sport.
It is a great comfort knowing that I have someone who understands how I’m feeling. I know I’ve been that person for her, I just didn’t anticipate needing the same thing after all of these years. Healing doesn’t always follow a straight line, though, and I’m not sure I really put effort into it when I first left Liam. People just expect time to make everything better, but we aren’t plants. We can’t just provide ourselves the basics and expect to grow.
“I’m fed up with myself, and I’m a little mad at Griffin. I thought he was listening to me when I told him that I need space from Liam,” I complain.
“Did you say that, though? You do this thing where you take care of everyone else, so did you say those words exactly and spell out what you need?” she asks.
I trace a floral pattern on my comforter. Did I actually tell him that? I know I said that I am tired of hating Liam. It would be just like Griffin to assume what I need rather than asking follow-up questions. Not that it’s his responsibility to pullthoughts from me, but he also doesn’t need to assume he knows everything and fix it.
Harlow bobs her head, thick waves bounce with the movement. “I’m going to take your silence to mean that you did not, in fact, say anything, and Griff is doing his usual thing of bulldozing over a problem until it submits.
I snort. “To be fair, Griffin loves submission.”
Harlow joins me in laughing, then holds her belly. “Ow, damn, this baby can kick. I think the Ryan legacy of baseball might be usurped by soccer. Don’t make me laugh anymore, it hurts.”
That’s the opening I need to change the subject. I heard what she said, now I just need to let it sink in. I think she’s right, though. I never did tell Griffin that I needed space from Liam.
Our conversation winds down on its own, and the break has given me enough time to muster the strength to go back down to dinner.
Claudia is still there, but she has situated the kids between her and Liam. It’s still better than when she was putting a couple of zip codes between them, but not a strong sign that she’s back to stay. I’m not even sure which outcome I’m rooting for. I guess whichever she feels is best for her and the kids.
Conversation resumes as I sit down, but it doesn’t have the same easy-going nature it usually does. Laughter sounds forced, and the voices are just a bit too loud.
“I’m so glad you’re back,” Griffin says to Claudia. Not that he’s glad she came, but that she’s back.
“I wouldn’t say I’m back yet,” Claudia says without missing a beat. “I’d say I’m open to working my way back.”
Liam nods his head over and over until he looks like one of those bobble heads. “Whatever you need, I’ll do it. I swear I’ll do anything it takes to earn back your trust. You won’t see orhear about me doing any dumb shit, and not because my dad has threatened everyone to stay quiet this time.”
Even as dumb as he can be, I think it only takes him a second to realize he fucked up. His eyes immediately dart over to his dad, then to me. Griffin doesn’t notice, though, because he is begging me with his eyes to let him explain.
“Oh, for the love of God, you dumb ass idiot. Can you pull your head out of your ass and stop fucking over your dad and Wren? There have to be two working brain cells in your head. Why don’t you rub them together and see if a thought sparks out of it?” Charlie snaps at Liam.
That’s got to be a first. I thought Charlie was always his biggest enabler, and that’s mostly true, but I’ve forgotten how much Griffin let Liam get away with. The past keeps coming back and slapping me in the face. First, it was Liam falling off the wagon, but now I’m reminded how, when it counts, Griffin has always had Liam’s back first. Not only that, but we’re back to the dance where we take a small step forward only to leap backwards.
This time, if no one else will put me first, I will. I get up and walk away from the table for the second time tonight. Only this time, I don’t go inside. I head for my car. I don’t have anywhere to go, but that has been true before, and I still landed on my feet.
I’m not dramatic enough to leave my husband over this, but I can’t look at him right now either.
Chapter Twenty
Wren - Present
I am notnaive enough to think I’ll make a clean getaway from here. I’m not even sure where I can go. Our lives are so tangled together that there aren’t any places that are just mine. Maybe I need to make some, because it can’t be healthy for adults to have no secrets.
My car is in sight when a hand latches onto my elbow and spins me around.
“Not now, Charlie,” I say as I rip my elbow out of his hand.
