I can’t tell her that I never left it. Maybe she found ways to cope and moved on, but I’ve been stuck. I’ve been trapped. And ever since, all I’ve ever dreamed about is freedom. Long stretches of open highway. A little shitty house with lots of land all over. Maybe even a van parked at some remote campsite. Nothing but quiet and birds and four wheels fully gassed up and ready todrive.
“I can’t stay,” I tell her as I finally begin to calm down. “I just can’t.”
“But what if you have to?”
“No, no, this doesn’t change anything.” I wipe my face with both hands and stand up. Now I’m the one pacing. “It’s more complicated, but I can deal with it. I’ll just take more money. That’ll solve things, right? More money? We’ll go further away, maybe somewhere in Southeast Asia, somewhere deep in the jungle away from people?—”
“Fio, stop it. You’d rather raise your kid in with monkeys and poison frogs than here?”
I glare at her. “Damn straight.”
“You’re wrong,” she says with more venom than I thought she had in her. I stare, surprised at her sudden anger. She gets to her feet, shaking her head. “I won’t be a part of this.”
“Elisa—”
“I’ll keep your secret because I love you and I think you’ll do the right thing in the end, but I’m not going to enable this crazy fantasy anymore. You’re married, Fio. You’re pregnant. This is your place. Maybe you don’t stay with Luca forever, but your family is here. Your family loves you.”
“My familyforgot about me,” I say, nearly screaming it at her. “They forgot about both of us! For five days!”
Elisa’s face twitches. “I remember.”
“You seriously want to talk about family? They shoved us into a fucking closet forfive fucking daysand forgot we were there. We were peeing into a jug. We ran out of water. If they hadn’t finally opened the door, we would’ve died in there!”
My heart’s racing and my fingers are tingling. My tongue feels numb at the very tip. Elisa hugs herself and turns her back on me, her shoulder shaking lightly, and I realize she’s crying.
And then I understand. I just screamed our deepest, blackest trauma right into her face. She’s been hurting over it just like me, except she’s been better about keeping herself together.
Now I’m unraveling and I’m such a selfish bitch that I’m trying to take her with me.
“I’m sorry,” I say, going over to her.
She flinches when I touch her. “It’s fine,” she says, wiping her face. “It’s fine, okay? I know it happened. I think about it all the time too. I dream about it.”
“I know.” I pull her against me. She leans her head into my shoulder for a moment but moves away. “I just can’t let myself get trapped.”
“You’re not.” She shakes her head, looking back at me from the door. “You just don’t see it yet.”
“Elisa—”
“I’ll talk to you later, okay? I need a little time to cool off. That was… a lot.”
My shoulders slump, but I nod. “Yeah. I get it.”
“I love you. Always will. No matter what.”
“You too.”
She leaves and I’m alone in the bathroom with the little white sticks hidden in a drawer, feeling heavy and claustrophobic and afraid.
Chapter 20
Luca
My wife’s never been affectionate.
Not that I can blame her. I’m not exactly cuddly.
But lately, we’ve been talking a little bit before bed. Nothing deep or important, just small things about what she’s been working on or problems at the trucking depot. We’re both aware that our marriage is totally based on convenience, but still, if we’re going to be trapped together, we might as well try to get along.
