I bite my lower lip. I can’t say it. Not when he’s looking at me like that. Not while we’re so close, the ocean lapping at our feet. I don’t have the courage. “I’m a little cold. Can we head to the house?”
“Oh, sure.” He lets me go and we fall into step, crossing back the way we came.
Even though I’m craving his touch, I shove my hands in my pockets. I don’t want to lead him on. I have to tell him I can’t pursue anything with him.
“It’s a nice evening with the full moon and all,” I say. I shake my head. That’s not what I meant to say. This is difficult. I have no idea how to tell him.
“Yes, it is.”
I look down at our feet making impressions in the wet sand. The mood is weird, and I feel like I have to talk even though I don’t know what to say. “Skyler told me the funniest thing today.”
“Oh?”
“Yes, she told me a joke. It was really funny. I don’t know where she got the joke, but it made me laugh out loud. I can’t quite remember what she said, but it was about cats.” I’m nervous and trying to fill the silence, but it’s not working right. An awkwardness settles in between us.
“Kiki—”
“Oh, it was something about desserts. I remember. What do cats like best for dessert?” I wait for him to respond.
“What?”
“Mice cream.” I force a laugh. “Isn’t that the cutest thing?”
We reach the backyard, and I start climbing up the hill to the house. Tobias grabs my arm, stopping me. “Kiki. I think I made you uncomfortable.”
I don’t want to look at him. I want to sink into the grass and disappear. When I don’t say anything, he clears his throat. “I thought you might be feeling the same things I am. I’m terribly sorry if I got that all wrong.”
And now I feel like dirt, because he thinks he took advantage of me. He didn’t. I wanted to kiss him. I was the one who started it. I touch his arm, and an electrical current races through my body, but I don’t let go. “No. You didn’t,” I admit softly.
He searches my face for an answer. “So, I didn’t misread you?”
I shake my head. I don’t want him to think I kissed him but have no feelings for him. “No.”
He seems puzzled. “Then I don’t understand. Why are you distancing yourself from me?”
Emotion surges in me, and I blink back the sudden tears that threaten to spill. “This won’t work.”
“What won’t work? Us?”
I nod, feeling terrible. I need to give him a reason that he’ll understand. “It’s not you. It’s me.” It sounds so cliché. I rush to explain. “I can’t have a relationship right now.”
He stares at me, and I can tell he doesn’t understand. “What do you mean?”
We’ve just shared an incredibly intimate moment. I owe him an explanation. Not the full one, of course. But something more than I’ve given in the past. “There are things in my past that would complicate everything.” I look down at the grass. “I’m sorry.”
He stares at me. “I don’t understand. Can’t you tell me?”
And suddenly, I want to tell him I’ve been in jail. I want to tell him my side of the story. How it wasn’t my fault, and how one stupid decision made everything come crashing down on me. And how I had to give up my baby to protect her.
But as I look at the man in front of me, I know he will not understand why I had to come see my daughter. Why I did what I did to get here. Why I lied to him. I don’t want to see the hurt on his face when he finds out.
I swallow down all the guilt and shame. “No.”
He sighs, and I feel like it comes from deep within him. “Kiki, I won’t judge you. I promise.”
“I know. It’s just…I can’t do this with you,” I say, taking a step back from him. “I’m sorry.” I turn and rush into the house.
My chest constricts as I rush up the stairs to my room. I close the door and lean against it, trying to catch my breath. I can’t believe what just happened. I kissed Tobias, and then I took it back. If I’m not the scum of the earth right now, I don’t know who is.
