Why am I hiding what Nicholas said to me?Elizabeth was nonplussed by her own account of events.
“Duke Talbot followed us there, and he got into an argument with my brother, which resulted in Talbot having a bloody lip,” Elizabeth said, and her words caught on a sob.
Lady Burnham gently stroked her arm as she cried. After a few minutes, Elizabeth raised her face from her hands.
“I feel utterly humiliated. I am entering marriage with someone who is being forced to be with me,” she said through the tears.
“My dear girl,” Lady Burnham said sadly, never lifting her hand from her arm. “There is one rule I live my life by, and it has served me well, especially after the tragedies I have experienced. It is to focus on the things Icanchange instead of those I cannot. And I advise you to do the same. A chain of events has been set in motion that you can neither prevent nor alter. All you can do is adjust your response to things.”
“How would I go about doing that?” Lizzie sniffled.
“We have discussed your position at the Corporal’s estate at length, but as a duchess, things will be very different. I shall write you a long, detailed letter with all the advice I can think ofbecause we have no time to go into all that now, but please write to me with any questions or issues that arise in your new role. That is something you can focus your energy on.”
“Maybe you’re right,” Elizabeth replied.
*
Elizabeth spent most of the night in deep conversation with God, begging for guidance and answers, for some indication that what she was doing was right, asking for a sign.
She wondered what her purpose in life was and how this marriage would help her fulfil it.
She considered Lady Burnham’s advice and mourned the quiet life in Wexcombe she would not get to live (although she still avoided thinking about the wounded and betrayed look in Oliver’s eyes).
Just before the light of dawn crept into her room, Elizabeth’s jumbled thoughts culminated in a decision: to make the best of the hand she’d been dealt.
Why not do my best to be a proper duchess?She thought.
It was not the title (nor the life) she would have chosen for herself, but she would cope, like she always had.
After all, what had she done after Father’s passing? Had she cried or despaired the way her mother did?
No. Elizabeth had gone out with Mary and secured employment for herself, so she’d be able to supplement the meagre income her selfish father had imagined two women in London would be able to comfortably live on.
Elizabeth could honestly say that she blamed her father for everything. It was easy, convenient, and appropriate. Every difficulty in her life could be traced back to him and hisindulgence of his base impulses. She angrily hit her pillow, telling herself it needed adjusting.
Elizabeth then threw off the covers, got up, and started pacing her room, her dejected and self-loathing mood from earlier in the evening completely gone now. What in Heaven’s name had he been thinking!?
She felt the familiar rage welling up inside of her, threatening to tear her body up at its seams. She silently cursed her parents, her brother, and her future husband Colin Talbot, devil take him!
Elizabeth had never had the feeling that Talbot was trying to seduce her. Maybe she was naive, but he didn’t seem the sort to seek out inexperienced girls at balls and ruin them.
He probably has an array of married or widowed women to choose from, she thought, the very idea infuriating her for some reason.So why has he put us both in this position? He must have been desperate to talk to me again and had forgotten himself.Elizabeth’s heart softened a bit.
She had missed their easy friendship as well.
And now Nicholas was forcing them into matrimony. She had no illusions about what Talbot thought about her social standing, and she knew he’d resisted marrying far more appropriate young ladies before her.
Would her groom show up foxed and desperate, with her brother leading him like a jailer? She shuddered at the image, mortified.
She didn’t want that for Colin.
How strange,she thought,that I already think of him by his name. What will it be like when we…?
Her cheeks burned as she thought of everything Mary had told her about the relations between men and women, and thebits she’d seen walking through certain parts of London. She guiltily realised that she’d hardly wondered about these things regarding Oliver.
She was, however, too worried to feel embarrassed. She remembered Talbot telling her about his belief that having mistresses was a prerogative of his kind. Elizabeth took a deep breath. Was it just to put demands of fidelity on a man who was entering this matrimony under duress? Was she being sentenced to life with a man like her father?
Colin is nothing like him,she consoled herself. He had been direct and honest with her from the first time he’d accosted her on the street. Never did he call her by a title he didn’t believe she merited, nor did he ever soften his opinions to appease her. That would have to be enough for her.
