Seth stands up again.
“I don’t know.”
Seth is silent for a while, then sits down again and I put my arms around him again.
“Are you in touch with them?”
“I’ve hired a private detective to find them.”
Seth continues to caress my chest with his delicate fingers.
“I found out that the two youngest were adopted. Information about them is classified. I have not been able to contact their families. As for my sister and brother… I have no idea where they are. I was thirteen at the time, they were eleven and nine. They seem to have disappeared. Even my mother seems to have disappeared without a trace.”
“And you stopped looking?”
“It was a long time ago. They’ll have their lives by now. Maybe it’s for the best.”
“You can’t run from the past forever. Believe me. I know.”
“You don’t understand.”
Seth slips out of my grasp, stands up and rests his back against the sofa cushions.
“What don’t I understand?”
“I was supposed to protect them, take care of them.”
“You were just a child.”
I don’t look at him when I say it, I couldn’t do it otherwise. “They trusted me. I let them down. I left them alone.”
“You mustn’t blame yourself. It wasn’t your fault. You were just a child.”
“Explain this to children who see you as their only role model. Explain it to children who have known nothing but neglect and loneliness. Explain it to…” My voice breaks. Seth tries to take my hand, but I resist the contact.
“No one likes to feel vulnerable, and I think you like it even less,” I hear him smile between words. “And there’s no need for me to tell you that there’s nothing to be ashamed of in being fragile, because I’m sure you know that, and in your heart you know that you’re not guilty of anything, what I want to tell you is that you’re even more beautiful in my eyes now, Mr Kennedy, and true and full of wonderful and unique nuances that all look great on you.” I can’t help looking at him. “And that I feel flattered and lucky to be with you tonight, to be able to share this part of your life that is so private and painful, and that I am here if you want me, as you want me, for whatever you need.”
“It’s OK, I’m fine. It was a long time ago.”
“No, you’re not fine, please don’t say that, don’t try to convince me, or worse, yourself.”
“You think you know everything about me because we slept together?”
The fact that I said we slept together and not that we had sex caused a few somersaults in my own stomach that I could not ignore.
That was also spontaneous. And Seth knows that. I can tell by the way he’s looking at me. I can’t hide what I’m feeling. It’s as if he’s opened doors and windows to let the light in.
“I promised I would find them and get them back.” I close my eyes at the memory of my last words. “What could I say to them today? That I was sorry for failing, for letting them down?”
“That’s why you did it? That’s why you lied to the judge? That’s why you’re living with us now like… like we’re family?’
“Mason.”
Seth wrinkles his forehead.
“Mason’s despair. In him I saw myself again. And in their faces I saw that day again, the same fear, the same pain. When they took my brothers and sisters away, I swore I would never let that happen again.”
“But we are not your family.”
