“It will be enough,” he says, calmly.
“So what, I should just do what you do?”
Ian gives me a sad smile. “It’s still a way of living.”
“You don’t get it,” I tell him, calmer now. “It’s notmyway. Maybe it works for you, but not me. I always wanted this, I’m not like you, or like…” I grind my teeth. “I’m different. I want different things…or at least, Ididwant them!”
“And you can still have them. Maybe later in the future…”
“No,” I shake my head. “I can’t, not after…It’s not for me. It can never be for me. Do you have any idea how it feels, Ian? Ripping your heart from your chest and watching someone trample it into the ground. Watching the blood spurt out, watching it slowly stop beating. Seeing your life, your dreams, your future fade before your eyes…” I pause, trying not to let my emotions get the better of me. “There’s nothing left for me here.”
“I’m here,” Ian tries again.
I shake my head. “I have to get away, far away from here. From everything. Please, just let me go.”
Ian takes a deep breath. “You’re my brother, Ryan. I’m worried about you. I don’t want you to just go like this, without thinking it through, without waiting for it all to blow over.”
“For what to blow over, exactly? It won’t just disappear, Ian. And Jesus, it hurts. I can’t stand it.”
Ian stays silent for a while, then runs a hand through his hair and starts to speak, resigned. “If this is what you really need, then I’m not going to be the one to stop you. Just…don’t shut us out. Don’t shut me out.”
I smile, sadly. “Do you really think that could happen?”
He gives me a half-smile back. “Of course not.”
I lean down to grab my duffel.
“Are you sure you’ve got everything?” he asks, nodding towards my bag. “I can help you with the rest of your stuff, if you just let me get myself sorted…”
“I don’t want any reminders of this life,” I interrupt him. “I don’t want to bring any of it with me. I’m not that person anymore.”
I start to head towards the door of my apartment, with Ian behind me; but when I open it, the very last person I want to see is standing right in front of me.
I launch myself at him, throwing him to the floor. I sit on his chest and lock my hands tightly around his neck, as he grabs my wrists in an attempt to break free. But I’m stronger, angrier. I’m in pieces.
“Fuck, Ryan!” Ian tries to grab my shoulders, but even he can’t fight my strength.
My hate is stronger than all of their muscles combined.
“Ryan! You’ll end up killing him if you don’t stop!” Ian keeps shouting and pulling at me, trying to get me away from the guy, but I have no intention of letting go.
I want him dead. Now. And I want to do it myself.
His face starts to go white, and his hands lose their strength against my wrists. I can feel the life slowly leaking out of him under my fingers, a life which will never give me back my own: one that will never repay me for all the pain I feel inside.
Just when he is about to lose all feeling, a mountain of muscles wraps around me, hurling me aside onto the ground. He sits on top of me, trying to pin down my arms.
“Ryan! Jesus…Ryan!”
I try to wriggle free, but Ian’s grip is too strong. “I can’t let you do it. Fuck, he’s your brother!”
I look hard at him, with resentment on my tongue and pain shooting across my heart. I tell him what I really think.
“From now on, you’re my only brother.”
