I see his gaze give way, his stance starting to crumble. I can see that his emotions have been trampled by what I’ve done. He collapses before my eyes; not like a little boy, but like a man who’s been hurt. By me.
I didn’t just hurt her. I hurt them both, and I’m only realising this now.
Coming into their lives like that made him think that I’d stay, that we could’ve built something together. The tomorrow that Christine wanted. The forever that she deserves.
“The only kid here is you, Ryan O’Connor,” he concludes.
And I know that he’s right.
He turns on his heels and runs off down the alley, probably to cry in a corner somewhere: just like I used to, when I didn’t want my brothers to take the piss. When I didn’t want to show anyone my weakness.
But his isn’t weakness. It isn’t a sign of immaturity.
Evan has the strength to fight for what he believes in, for who he loves. He isn’t scared to show the world how he feels. He isn’t trying to hide who he is – he doesn’t need to.
Because Evan really is a man.
I chase behind him and stop him before he makes it out onto the road.
“Leave me alone!” he screams, before shaking off my grip. “Go to hell – you and all your bullshit! We don’t need you. We don’t need anyone!” he shouts at me.
And I grab him by the shoulders and pull him into a hug. He tries to push me away, but my grip is tighter: not because he needs it, but because I do.
I’m the one who’s lost her, lost them. I don’t know where to go. I’m the one who’s lost that ‘us’ that I decided wasn’t worth it.
His tears mix with the rain, with my own. They mix with my stupidity, my selfishness. I let him sob until he calms down, crumbling into my arms.
“You’re right about everything. You guys don’t know what I’m like – I’m no good to anyone.”
He lifts his head slowly.
“I’m the one who needs you, don’t you get it? And it terrifies me.”
He pulls away from me, wiping his eyes.
“I need both of you, because you make me a better person. You make me…a man.”
“So why did you leave?”
“Because he’s an arsehole,” Ian interrupts.
“Because he never does anything right,” Nick jumps in.
“Because he doesn’t know what else to do,” Riley adds.
“Because he’s a scared little boy,” my mother chimes in.
“Because Ryan’s only just understood,” my dad comes to my rescue. “Just now, thanks to you, he’s just understood what it means to be a man.”
* * *
“So?What are you going to do?” Evan asks, sipping at the cup of tea my mother made for him. “She won’t forgive you, mate. Just so you know.”
“I didn’t think she would.”
“You have to do something big, something that will make her weak at the knees, you know? Something that will shock her, show her that you’re not a useless arsehole.”
“Wow, thanks.”
