“She was upset for you.”
“She was…disappointed.”
“No, Ryan. I promise you: that was not disappointment.”
“And then when Dad heard about us, about my decision to leave.”
“Dad was upset for you, not for what you’d done. Ryan, what happened was not your fault. The choices you made got worse and worse, but we all understood them. We understoodyou, okay? You don’t have to pretend around us. We all know who you are.”
“So who am I, then?”
“You’re the heart of the family.”
I cover my mouth with my hand, attempting to muffle an embarrassing sob.
Nick places his hand on my shoulder and squeezes it affectionately.
“You’re the best part of us. Of all of us.”
I stand up, hoping to run away from his words, from the commotion bursting out of my heart. I pace around the living room, trying to calm down.
“You were the one who cried over cartoons, who didn’t want to watch horror films because you couldn’t stand the idea of the bad guy killing everyone. We couldn’t even watch films where animals died, because you wouldn’t have slept that night.”
I don’t want to listen to him, but he keeps going, ignoring me shaking my head.
“Everyone picked on you at school because you were the nice one, who helped other people, and that made you weak in their eyes.”
“I was an idiot.”
“No, you weren’t. You were a nice little boy, polite and kind. And you still are, underneath all your bitterness. You’re still there.”
“And where did it get me, Nick, being soft like that? I was bullied at school, I had to train in the garden with Ian every evening just so I was strong enough not to break my bones out on the field. I gave all of myself to someone who didn’t want it, so they chucked me away. To be cheated on with my own brother.”
“Jesus, Ryan, if I could go back in time, I’d rather skin myself alive.”
“I know,” I say, exhausted now.
“You mean everything to me, Ryan. I’d do anything for you. I’d do it for Mum and Dad, for Ian, but for you…for you…” his voice cracks. “You didn’t deserve it, Ryan. She wasn’t right for you. And I’m sorry that you met her, that you fell in love, that she broke your heart. If I could do something,anything, to make it up to you… I swear, I would.”
I squeeze my eyes shut and let his words start to heal the pain in my heart.
“Just because I came here and listened to you, doesn’t mean I forgive you,” I tell him, not even believing my own words.
He stands up, too.
“You already have, Ryan. Otherwise you wouldn’t be here, asking for my help.”
“I didn’t come here to ask for your help.”
He smiles again. A bit too much for my liking.
“Don’t ask, then. You don’t have to.”
“Look, I don’t need you, Nick.”
“Okay, Ryan. Whatever you say.”
“It’s just that…I think I’ve really, really fucked up this time and…” I look at him in embarrassment, “And you’re the only one who won’t judge me for it.”
