“That she didn’t love me anymore.”
I already knew that part of the story.
Nick looks at me again. His eyes are clear and sincere, just like Dads’. I know that what he’s about to tell me is going to hurt – but he’s doing it because I deserve to know the truth.
“She’d stopped loving me for a while.”
“There was nothing I could do, and I felt so stupid and so useless. I saw how you were, how the break-up had left you, and I just wanted to put things right. Please, you have to believe me!”
I don’t move a muscle. I don’t even breathe.
I know how the story goes. Ian had already tried to tell me before. But hearing it from Nick, in his own words, riddled with guilt, had a whole different effect.
“And I don’t know how we ended up in bed. I don’t even know what happened between us, honestly. Neither of us remembered it the next morning. I just know that I woke up next to her.”
“So you didn’t do it to get revenge?”
“Revenge? For what?”
“For me taking your place on the team.”
“Do you really think I’d do that?” And seeing the shock in his eyes confirms to me that I’ve been a real idiot, for believing all these years that Nick only did it to hurt me.
“We both know that you were the one in the running for that place.”
Nick laughs bitterly. “I never had a chance, Ryan. I never thought I’d make the team; I always knew that place was destined for you. I went to the trials, like everyone, but I never believed there’d be a place for me. I was always hoping you’d get it.”
I try, in vain, to control my emotions, because this time I have no idea how intense they’ll be.
“And of course I was pissed off when you gave everything up for her. I didn’t want you to throw away your life, your career!”
“I couldn’t stay,” I say, resignedly.
Nick takes a deep breath and sits back down next to me.
“You were the weakest in the family.”
“I knew it!” I jump up, infuriated, but he grabs my arm and pulls me back down.
“You were emotional, sensitive. You had such a big heart. You loved her, you always had, right from the very first moment – you loved her for almost ten years. And I was worried, I admit. Ian was, too. We didn’t want to see you get hurt, so we tried to keep you safe. Maybe Ian did it better than I did.”
“I didn’t need either of you.”
He smiles. “Of course you did. You were our little brother: you still are. You still need us.”
“I’m old enough to take care of myself, Nick.”
“Sure – but your life suddenly took a turn and…you’re losing yourself. You’re not that little boy anymore, but he’s still there, even though you try to hide him. You keep him secret, with no light or air, holding him hostage. And I’m starting to miss that little boy – we all are. We want him to come back.”
“He’s just a disappointment, to everyone.”
“That little boy has never disappointed anyone. We always loved him, and still do.”
“I’m a failure, Nick,” I tell him, rubbing my face with my hands. “A failure with arms and legs.”
“And muscles,” he jokes, trying to cheer me up.
“I still remember the look on Mum’s face, that day, when Lauren didn’t come over.”
