COCO
He leaves, and I can’t stop sobbing. Sinking down on my window seat, I cry my eyes out.
Once you enter the downward spiral, it’s hard to pull yourself back out. I cry because this is it. The ending I’d always expected and feared, and it happened.
Didn’t it?
Or am I crying because I spoke out what I truly fear at last and although the disappointment is crushing, it’s also a weight off my chest?
His words still ring in my ears, echoing what my friends have told me over the years.
“Decide what you want to be, girl. Only you can decide. Nobody else can do it for you.”
He wasn’t angry, I realize. He was barely shocked at the news of my official designation and the news that I had unwittingly lied about it to all three of them. Not telling the truth is still a lie, right? I wanted them to grovel and apologize, and they did, and now I feel I’m the one who should be doing the groveling.
After a while, the tears dry up and I lie there, curled up, trying to regain my breath.
Enough of this self-pity, I tell myself. Get up.
Meanwhile, my phone has been blowing up with calls and messages from my friends.
June, too.
‘Girlfriend,’ she writes. ‘Forgive me? I didn’t mean to push you away and I’m really worried, you know. Please, let me come over?’
I scroll through the rest of the messages asking similar questions and sigh. I’ve acted like a brat and I’ve worried my friends.
And I still don’t feel ready to face them, because that would mean admitting to them exactly what I admitted to Ryder.
That I’m giving up on my hopes and dreams.
That I admit I was wrong.
That I’ve misled everyone.
Even though I’ve always felt, in my heart of hearts, that I’m an omega, ever since I can remember myself as a little girl, it looks like I was mistaken.
You don’t always get what you want, I tell myself. You don’t always become what you dream of. And those three alphas, flawed but kind, deserve better.
Let them go.
I move through the next day in a dark haze. Ryder hasn’t called or texted me after our encounter, and neither have Zach and Atticus. As I cross the street, I glance around instinctively for them but I can’t see them anywhere.
I thought they’d still guard me. Did they change their minds about that?
They have to have changed their minds about me, at least. Ryder must have told them. Right?
What if he hasn’t? Do I have to call and tell each one individually?
I wince and stop, my breath catching. It would be hard but I’ll probably have to do it. Confess to the deception. Crash and burn, and then hide and lick my wounds.
It’s not a deception, my mind rages. It was never a lie.
That’s how I feel. That’s how I’ve always felt. I’m an omega in a beta’s body. Maybe my blood markers say I’m a beta, but my mind knows I’m an omega.
“You don’t have to be anyone’s cup of tea. Be gasoline. Set the world on fire.”
I dash fresh tears from my eyes.
