Lawson dropped his hand back to his lap. “I’ll have my phone. Call if you need anything at all. I don’t mind. I know school pickup will be new.”
Crap.
He was worried about me doing my job. I didn’t blame him, but it still stung. “I’ve been to all three schools now, so I’m good.” I forced as much brightness into my tone as possible.
Lawson nodded. “All right. But I’m just a phone call away if you need me.”
“Thanks. For everything.” That was so much less than I wanted it to be—a six-letter word for everything that Lawson was. But it would have to do for now.
He nodded, pausing for a moment as if he might say something else, then he finally slid out of the SUV. I watched as he climbed into his police-issued vehicle, praying he wouldn’t wait for me to pull out. The last thing I wanted was an audience.
The air left my lungs in a whoosh as Lawson’s taillights illuminated, and he backed out of his parking spot. The moment he pulled out into traffic, I turned back to the SUV. I released my death grip on the steering wheel and ran my palm over the leather. “We’re going to be friends. I am going to speak to you only with loving words, and you aren’t going to spin me off into a ditch.”
My therapist had told me once that if you spoke lovingly to a plant, it would grow infinitely faster and healthier than any that were put down and demeaned. She used the story to illuminate the ramifications of my relationship with my mother, but I figured it applied here, too.
The SUV didn’t say anything in return.
“I feel like you need a name. But maybe we should leave that to Charlie. He seems like he’d be good at that.”
Yet again, the car didn’t reply.
I put my foot on the brake and pressed the button to start it. It purred to life, the vibrations sweeping through my body.
“You can do this.” I plugged the address of Cedar Ridge’s grocery store into the navigation system. Gripping the wheel yet again, I stared out the front windshield. “Just the one next thing.”
* * *
By the timeI pulled into the elementary school pickup line, I felt like I’d done one of the extreme boot camp workouts I saw advertised on late-night infomercials. No wonder Lawson had needed help.
I’d driven the brand-new SUV back to Cedar Ridge like a grandma. When I finally parked at the grocery store and released the wheel, my hands ached from how tightly I’d been grasping it. But I was already getting more used to it. I wasn’t completely at ease yet, but it was better.
I’d jotted out a meal plan for the week, second-guessing every choice, then I’d done the shopping. When I got back home, I breathed a sigh of relief at being truly alone for the first time all day. I unpacked the groceries and started some laundry. I didn’t think I’d ever seen so many clothes in my life.
Between the six loads I’d managed to get in before having to leave for pickup, I scoured the kitchen and organized the pantry. I’d also cleaned the bathrooms and picked up the living room. I needed to check with Lawson to see if I should tidy bedrooms as well, but I didn’t want to overstep.
My mother would’ve been appalled at how much joy it brought me. There was just something about cleaning. You saw the impact of your work right in front of your eyes like nothing else. It helped me feel like some tiny things in this world were, in fact, under my control. And after a few days of endlessfirsts, I needed a little of that.
I caught sight of Charlie looking around for me and realized he didn’t know this vehicle. I quickly shut it off and hopped out. “Charlie!”
His head flicked in my direction, and a huge grin spread across his face. “Hallie!”
He ran at me, hitting me with a force that nearly sent me falling backward. But I’d take the easy acceptance and kindness of children over and over again. There was nothing like it.
I ruffled his hair the way I’d seen Lawson do. “Good day?”
“Really good. I got to feed our class fish today.”
“That sounds like a very important job. It says a lot about how amazing you are that your teacher entrusted you with it.”
Charlie’s little chest puffed up as he released me. “I measure real careful.”
“Who are you?” a high-pitched voice snapped.
I stiffened, turning to face a blonde who was absolutely stunning except for the twisted scowl on her face. “Excuse me?”
“Who are you?” she bit out again. “I’ve never seen you before, and I highly doubt Law would entrust his child to a stranger.”
A little girl about Charlie’s age hovered behind the woman, looking embarrassed.
