So, why do I withhim?
As if Hollis can sense the inner turmoil and near-existential dread, another message from him rolls in. Grabbing my phone, my thumb hovers over the notification for a beat before finally opening it.
KnockinBoots: Uh-oh… didn’t scare you away, did I, Fire Daddy?
Did he scare me away? It kind of seems that way, but not enough to un-match with him.
Fuck, this is so wrong. If he knew who I was, he’d probably lose all interest in flirting with me. I’m being deceitful. Deleting him from the app would be the smartest thing to do. Then I could focus on meeting somebody who isn’t off limits. Somebody more my age.
But I don’t want to.
Not because I’m interested in the idea of taking this further with Hollis—because I’m not—but because the idea of small talking with a stranger on a platform like this makes my palms sweat. Yeah…that’s it. Talking to Hollis is dipping my toes in the water. I know it could never become anything off the app, so the stakes are lower. It’s less scary.
Attempting this whole online dating thing feels similar towhen I first joined the force. The first couple of fires I ran into were scary. They were an unknown situation that I understood in a roundabout way, from training and stories I’d heard from other firefighters, but hearing about what it’s like to run into a burning building while everybody else is running out and experiencing it firsthand are two vastly different things. No amount of training or stories or pep talks from people with far more experience will ever truly prepare you for the adrenaline flooding your system, the thrill making it hard to catch your breath, or the anxious energy vibrating through your bones.
It’s something you have to live through to fully understand. Something that gets a little less scary and unknown the more you do it, until one day, it’s second nature.
So, maybe dating for the first time in over two decades is like running into those first few burning buildings… Scary now, but with practice, it’ll become less daunting. Maybe I’ll second guess everything I say or feel for now, and my heart will stutter every time someone says something that makes me a little uncomfortable, but after a few matches, the nerves will slowly shift into something more…electrifying. Maybe time and experience are all I need.
Experience I can get from Hollis.
With that in mind, I type out a response and send it before I can talk myself out of it.
FireInMyVeins: Nah, didn’t scare me away. I’m just new to this type of thing, that’s all.
KnockinBoots: New to dating apps or new to men?
FireInMyVeins: New to online dating.
KnockinBoots: Not gonna lie… That does make me even more curious about you.
FireInMyVeins: In what way?
KnockinBoots: Well, for one, the fact that you’re inyour late forties and this is the first time you’re using dating apps is definitely curious. Prior to now, did you not date/hook up at all? Do you normally find your partners in person? Or possibly have you never used dating apps because they weren’t a thing the last time you were single… Is Fire Daddy a newly divorced man? We can start there. *upside down smile emoji* *wink emoji*
FireInMyVeins: Wow… straight for the jugular right out the gate, I see.
KnockinBoots: Rule #23: No pussyfooting around shit. We must live, breathe, and abide by rule #23.
Chuckling, I scratch a hand across the scruff lining my jaw. I suppose he does have a point.
FireInMyVeins: Touché. *laughing emoji* I just didn’t expect to be asked about my entire life story.
KnockinBoots: Well, fortunately—or maybe, unfortunately—for you, you’re dealing with a pro. Don’t worry, I’ll guide you through it. Think of me as your very own Mr. Miyagi or Yoda… just as wise, but sexier and kinkier. *wink emoji*
Shaking my head, I chuckle to myself as my cheeks heat. This fucking guy. Before I can type out a response, a call from Remi pops up, stealing my attention. Gaze lifting to the top of my screen, I note it’s after nine. Not unheard of for him to call me this late, but it raises concern, nonetheless.
“Remi, everythin’ okay?” I ask, pushing into a sitting position.
“Everythin’ is more than okay, Cap.” There’s clear enthusiasm in his voice, which only strengthens the concern. “You’re goin’ to want to kiss me when I tell ya the news I have for you.”
“Doubtful,” I deadpan. “But I’m listenin’.”
“Okay, you know how you haven’t had very much luck findin’ a place to live?”
“No luck, actually,” I correct. “And yes, I’m well aware of the situation, Remi, but thank you for callin’ me after nine on our day off to remind me.”
Snorting, he says, “If you hush and let me finish, you’ll find out that I’m not callin’ to remind you, but to tell you that I found the perfect place for you to move into!”
