During the drive back to the house, I can’t help but remember how much I used to fantasize about getting Violet back for all the guys she “stole” from me when we were teenagers. I used to wish the roles would reverse, even once, and a guy she was into would be more into me. The satisfaction I used to believe it would give me, to stick it to her and give her a taste of her own medicine, even though I don’t think she even knew what she was doing, makes me want to puke. I have officially gotten my teenage wish; I’ve done what my sister always did, and it doesn’t feel anywhere near as satisfying as I thought it would.
In fact, it feels downright shameful.
I’m not this person. I can’t be.
So, it has to be done. Whatever Finn and I started is finished. There’s no other option. I just wish it didn’t leave such a hollow feeling inside of my chest.
Chapter 23
Finn
Something’s up with Ash.
It’s been a few days since we hooked up, and we haven’t talked about it. When I got home from bringing Tucker a change of clothes that afternoon, Ash was gone. He didn’t get home until way later, and when he did, all he said was he had a headache and was going to bed. And it’s been damn near radio silence since. If it’s not about Tucker, then he’s not talking to me. It’s like he’s getting me back for the way I behaved after the masturbation incident, but payback doesn’t really seem like Ash’s style, so I don’t get it.
I haven’t even had a chance to tell him that I broke up with Violet because he’s going out of his way to ensure we’re never alone together. I don’t get it. I know I should’ve told him about the breakup the night it happened instead of climbing into bed with him, but I don’t know…it felt right at the time to just be with him without anything else potentially getting in our way.
Maybe that was wrong of me.
I’ve never been somebody to act without thought. Weighing the risks has always been something I have to do, not just for myself, but for my son. There are few instances in my life I can think of where I threw caution to the wind and went with my gut. One of those times being when Riley told me she was pregnant. I didn’t need to weigh the risks or think it through; I knew I wanted that baby. But something about Ash has me wanting to throw caution to the wind all over again. He has me wanting to take risks and step outside of my comfort zone, and I’m not sure when that started.
When I first interviewed him for the job, everything about him annoyed me. He was late, frazzled, undressed behind his car, and overall, just seemed like somebody I wouldn’t enjoy being around. Part of me wonders if that initial distaste for him was somehow my subconscious knowing he would challenge me. If I somehow knew that bringing Ash into our home would reveal some hidden part of myself I didn’t know existed.
But how would I know that?
I keep waiting for the panic to come. The freakout or the sudden realization that I didn’tactuallyenjoy what we did, except it never comes. Not even close. When I think back to the things we’ve done—the flirting that I don’t even think I realized was flirting until now, the mutual masturbation, the sex stuff—I feel warm inside. I feel good. And it’s something I want to do again.
For how much I truly believed I couldn’t be anything other than straight until recently, this feels a lot more…calm, and I don’t know, comfortable, than I would think it would.
Being around Ash makes me feel like I can be vulnerable, no matter how scary that is. He allows me to explore this new side of myself. Being with him the other night, and then again in the morning, felt so right. It felt natural. I can’t explain it. Falling asleep next to him was the soundest sleep I’ve had in a longwhile. Like being near him puts my mind at ease. And there are very few people in this world who have made me feel that way, yet he’s quickly become one of them. Which I think makes it even more frustrating that he’s clearly avoiding me and what we did.
Checking the time on my watch, I note how late it’s getting. Ash went out with August and Tripp for dinner, and I think bowling. I only know this because August told me about the plans while we were finishing up work today. I’m willing to bet Ash is purposely waiting to come home late enough that he thinks I’ll be in bed.
But I’m onto him, and two can play at that game. Even if I’ll be fucking exhausted come morning when it’s time to get up and go to work.
Hence why I’m sitting in my recliner as the front door opens at a quarter after ten. Turning my head, my gaze lands on Ash, who’s already watching me.
Clearing his throat, he shuts and locks the door. “Kind of late for you to be up, isn’t it?”
His tone is light, but the tightness in his jaw and the way his shoulders are tense give away how uncomfortable he is.
“Yeah, couldn’t sleep,” I lie. “Have fun tonight with August and Tripp?”
“Uh, yeah.” His brow furrows. “How did you know where I was?”
“Don’t you remember the tracker I put on your phone when you started?”
Ash kicks off his shoes, all the while giving me a perturbed look. “Sorry, did you just crack a joke?”
I chuckle. “Maybe I did.”
Then, as if he’s realizing what’s playing, his eyes lift to the record player before coming back to me. “Is that Sleep Token?”
“I don’t know. Is it?”
“What is happening right now?” Rounding the couch, he steps farther into the living room until he’s standing in front of the record player. “Where did you get this?”
“Ordered it online.”
