My gaze leaves the doorway where my sister just went through and finds Boone’s. “We’re leaving tomorrow,” is all I can manage to say. My heart’s beating so fast, I’m scared I’m going to go into cardiac arrest right here in the middle of the kitchen.
“Just give her some time,” he says softly, gently, like he’s trying to pacify a child.
Boone reaches for my shoulder, and the feel of his touch is enough to break me out of this dazed state. Roughly, I shrug his hand away, taking a step back and putting some much-needed distance between us. “No!” I growl. “Itold youthis was a bad idea. I told you it wasn’t going to end well. That she’d get hurt. I ended it, and you wouldn’t leave it alone. What is wrong withyou?” I hiss as my fingers thread through my hair and pull. “What is wrong with me? We’re horrible people. How could we do this to her? She’s my sister, Boone. Mysister!”
“Grady, breathe,” he coos, reaching for meagain. “It’s going to be okay.”
My skin is hot, head throbbing. I feel lost, and alone, and like I just lost the only family I really had. I don’t think as my palms come up to Boone’s chest and I shove him away with all that I have. “It’snotgoing to be okay, Boone. Open your fucking eyes! Nothing is okay!”
My voice cracks on the last word as nausea rolls in my gut. This is exactly what I was afraid of happening, but I couldn’t stay away. Like a moth to a fucking flame, I had to have him.
Boone flexes his jaw, lips downturned into a frown. “I think we should get some sleep,” he says plainly.
It’s not lost on me that Boone doesn’t throw it in my face that it was me, actually, who came onto him after I told him we were done. Stupidly, I needed to be there for him after what happened with Colt. It wasn’t him. It was me. Why he isn’t calling me out on that, and why he’s allowing me to put all the blame onto him, is beyond me, but in this moment, it’s what I need.
Giving him a clipped nod, I turn and go back to my room, where I barely get a wink of sleep. I spend the rest of the night tossing and turning, replaying the hurt on Jade’s face… The hurt that I caused. Knowing that I have to hit the road for the rest of the season tomorrow makes me feel worse. There’s no way I can talk to Jade and try to work things out by morning, which means this will probably go unresolved for over a month. The thought of not speaking to my sister, and knowing she’s hurt because of me, for that long, makes me want to throw up.
In the same breath, I can’t lose this job. It’s everything I’ve ever wanted, and it pays well. I’d be a fool to give it up.
By the time the sun starts creeping in through the blinds, I’m not more prepared to face the day than I was hours ago, but I can’t leave without at least trying to talk to Jade. Even if she won’t talk to me. The house is quiet as I exit my room; no TV, no sound of Suzy running around. For a moment, I think maybe she left. Maybe I lost the chance to talk to her before I leave, but then I see her.
Outside, sitting on the bottom step of the deck, tossing a ball for Mabel to fetch, is my sister. There’s a pink and white mug sitting beside her, filled with what I know is coffee, and she’s still in her pajamas. My heart is in my throat as I go out there. She very well could tell me to get lost—I hope she doesn’t, but she could. I sit down next to her, looking out into the yard at Mabel.
There’s a stifling silence between us. It’s tense and thick, more uncomfortable than the early morning summer heat.
“Where’s Suzy?” I ask, needing to fill the quiet with something other than birds chirping.
Jade grabs her mug, bringing it up to her lips, taking a sip before responding. “Boone took her to breakfast before you guys have to leave.”
With my stomach twisted into knots, I nod, dragging in a deep breath before I ask, “Can we talk, please?”
Breathing out a sigh, like she knew this was coming, she wraps her arms around her knees. “I don’t really know what to say to you, Grady.”
There’s a clear hint of hurt in her tone, and it cuts me right in the chest. I feel like a huge piece of shit because I knew if she found out she’d be hurt, and yet I did it anyway. What does that say about me as a person? As a brother? That I put my own needs above anybody else’s? What’s wrong with me?
“Jade, I’m so sorry.” My throat gets tight, and I feel pressure building behind my eyes. “I want you to know that I decided todrive by myself for the rest of the season and stay in hotels. So, I won’t be staying in the camper with Boone anymore.”
She scoffs, rolling her eyes. “Well, that’s kind of a dumb decision, don’t you think? That’s going to cost you a fortune.”
“I talked to Hannah; she was able to get me a lodging budget. I’ll still have to pay for some, but it won’t be that bad.”
Jade finally turns her head, and her gaze finds mine. “It’s a waste of money when there’s a perfectly good camper you can sleep in for free. Don’t throw away your money on behalf of me, especially when you’ve already proven that my feelings aren’t really a factor in what you do.”
The pit in my stomach grows.
“Your feelings do matter, Jade,” I reply, my voice cracking on her name.
“Really? Tell me, Grady…did they matter before or after you fell into bed with my ex-husband? You sure didn’t wait long before you swooped in and took my place, did you?”
I deserve that—I know I do—but fuck, it stings. “It wasn’t like that,” I croak.
Scrubbing a hand over her face, Jade stands up and faces me. “I don’t want to do this with you right now, Grady. I can’t have this conversation with you. Please, just…” Her voice cracks, and she pauses, eyes filling with moisture. “Please, just go finish out the season, and we can talk when you get back, okay?”
She doesn’t wait for me to respond as she calls Mabel over to her and heads inside. I sit outside for a moment, trying to steady my breathing and tame my nerves. Forcing her to talk to me isn’t going to make anything better, but it feels like leavingwithouttalking to her is just as bad.
After a while, I head back to my room, shutting myself in there as I finish packing. I meant what I said to Jade… I’m driving myself. There’s no way I can be alone with Boone in his truck for hours while we drive to the next location. I need somespace from him, and this is the only way I know how, given how closely we have to work together.
Really fucked this one up for myself, now, didn’t I?
