“What do you want it to mean?” he asks, going back to my original statement.
“I don’t know, but I do know I don’t want it to end.”
The vulnerability of that statement leaves me feeling naked and exposed, and not in the fun way. Especially since I can’t read Xander’s facial expressions in this light. I’m nervous we aren’t on the same page and he’s about to let me down easy. Although, I suppose I’d rather know now before the feelings get stronger.
But then Xander smiles at me, and my whole body warms from the sight. I have such a visceral reaction to him. He leans over, grabbing the front of my shirt, and presses his lips to mine. The kiss is sweet and tender, and it makes my stomach somersault. I don’t think I’ll ever get over how incredible kissing Xander feels. It doesn’t last long, and when he pulls away, I’m already craving another taste.
“I don’t either,” he says simply. “I like you, Cope. You’ve been a breath of fresh air since I first got to this town, and you never fail to make me feel happy and welcome. You’re upfront and honest about how you’re feeling, and not even once have I had to guess where I stand with you. It’s refreshing.”
Feeling relieved, I breathe out a sigh. “I like you too.”
“But—”
“No buts,” I insist with a chuckle, holding up a hand. “Buts in this instance are never good. Unless it’s your butt. Then I’ll allow it.”
Xander laughs, the sound light and airy. “Butthere are a few things we should put out in the open,” he finishes.
“Okay,” I reply slowly, the conversation feeling heavy all of the sudden. “Like what?”
“Well, for starters, prior to meeting me, you considered yourself straight, right?”
I shrug. “Yeah, but I’d never felt any reason why I’d need to question that.”
“Is this just an experiment to you?” The question takes me off guard, and I sputter on my own spit. Xander reaches out and covers my hand with his. “I don’t mean it to be an insultingor out-there question, but I have to ask. You’d be surprised by the number ofstraightmen who dip their toes in the queer pond, and then are more than happy going on their merry way, pretending like it never happened. Not that I think you would do that. I care for you, but I also don’t want to end up getting hurt. If my relationship with Henry taught me one thing, it’s that communication is key. I don’t ever want to be in another situation where we want different things.
“But in the same breath, I can understand how hard it can be coming to terms with this new revelation for you. You may not be ready for anything, especially not out in the open, with you being a public figure in a way. I’m not trying to get too serious and say we have to figure it all out right now, but I would like to sort of know we’re on the same page.”
Once he finishes, he lets out a deep sigh, like he didn’t allow himself to take a single breath the whole time he was talking, and he looks down at the hands clasped together in his lap. The silence sits like its own presence in the cab of my truck as I think over everything he said. None of this even crossed my mind before now, but he’s right. This is the stuff thatshouldbe talked about from the get-go. And I can see why he’d need to ask me about what this is to me, especially after what he just went through with his last relationship.
Reaching over, I take his chin between my thumb and index finger, turning his head until his bright blue eyes meet mine. There’s trepidation in his gaze. “I want you, Xander,” I say simply before continuing. “And I don’t just mean physically. I don’t just mean for a few fun nights. I don’t give a shit that you’re a man and not a woman. That doesn’t matter to me. It’s never been about that. Yes, if someone had asked me about my sexuality before, I would’ve said straight because I’ve never been given any reason to believe otherwise…until you. My feelings for you have always felt right. It’s never been about yourgender. Never been about what’s between your legs. I don’t even know what I’d say my sexuality is now because I’ve never been attracted to another man before you, but I’mveryattracted to you, so I’m clearly not straight.”
“I’m not asking you to define your sexuality, Cope,” he breathes out.
“I know you’re not, but I want you to know where I stand. I don’t care that you’re a man, or that I’ve only ever dated women. Hell, I’ve barely even dated women. I likeyou,and I don’t want this to be something we just do for fun. I’d like to explore this and see if there’s more here. Like with any relationship, I’d prefer if the entire world didn’t know until we knew what the hell we were, but that has nothing to do with your gender and everything to do with being a private person. As far as our friends and family go, I don’t care if they know. I’d prefer if they did because I enjoy being around you, so they’ll obviously see that. And as soon as we know if there’s something real here, I’d be happy to shout it from the rooftops that you’re mine—you know, if you want to be. Please believe me when I say that my newfound discovery of my sexuality is not going to be an issue for us. I’m not some in-the-closet guy who’s afraid to come out because of trauma or fear or anything. I simply just didn’t know what I wanted until I met you.”
His Adam’s apple rolls on a rough swallow, and he’s got his bottom lip tucked between his teeth. He looks adorable sitting in my passenger seat…like he belongs there.
“Have you ever heard of the term ‘demisexual’ before?” he asks.
My brows slash together as I shake my head. “No, I don’t think so.”
“Now, again, I’ll never ask you to define your sexuality, and you should never be made to feel like you have to fit inside onesingular label to be accepted, but hearing you explain all of that made me think you could possibly be demisexual.”
“Is it like a demigod?” I waggle my brows as he snorts.
“Not exactly,” he responds with a laugh. “People who identify as demisexual often only feel sexual attraction to someone after they’ve formed a strong emotional bond with them.” Xander shrugs awkwardly before adding, “I’m not trying to label you, by any means, but I know sometimes when you’re figuring yourself out, it can help some people to put a name to what they’re feeling or why they’re feeling that way. I’m not trying to shove you into a box?—”
“No,” I cut him off, my heart suddenly hammering inside my chest at what he’s saying. “That actually makes a lot of sense. I’ve never heard that term before, but it sounds like me and how I’ve always felt. It would explain why I’ve never felt much sexual connection with anyone before or why I’ve never felt the way my friends seemed to feel about sex.”
“You don’t have to figure it all out now, or really, ever, if you don’t want to,” he reiterates.
“Thank you,” I say softly. “You always seem to know the right thing to say to make me feel at ease.”
His cheeks pinken and his lips tilt into a small smirk.
“Well, since we’re putting it all out there tonight, I should tell you something.” He meets my gaze, looking nervous, which makes my heart beat faster and not in a good way.
“Okay…”
