It doesn’t take long for me to get to the old barn, and when I walk up, Josiah is already there. He looks so damn good.
“Hi,” I say, coming to a stop in front of him.
“Hey, thanks for meeting me. I know it’s late.” The look in his eyes suddenly makes my stomach twist.
“What’s wrong?” I ask, hating the crack in my voice.
“Segan, I have to tell you something.”
“Okay…” My heart thrashes in my chest at those words. “What?”
“I’m leaving in the morning.”
My eyebrows scrunch together as I take that in. “Where are you going?”
His Adam’s apple bobs as he swallows before saying, “Nevada.”
“Like for a few days? Another weekend trip?” Why would he be going there again?
Josiah shakes his head, not meeting my gaze. Somehow, I know… I just know what he’s going to say before the words leave his mouth. “No, I’m leaving Utah for good. I’m moving. I can’t stay here anymore, in this town, with this community. I feel suffocated.”
As I stand here, in front of him, with my heart lodged in my throat, pulse roaring in my ears, it becomes abundantly clear… This is a goodbye.
“What… no,” I mumble, my brain full of fog, my hands trembling. “I’ll come with you.”
Josiah’s features soften as he watches me flail. “Segan, you can’t.”
“Yes, I can,” I insist, taking a step back. “And I will. Just let me go pack my shit.”
“No, Segan,” he replies tersely. “You need to stay and take care of Lana. She’s getting worse. Whatever’s going on with her… she needs you.”
Throat tightening, the pressure behind my eyes builds insurmountably. “Josiah, please don’t do this.” My voice cracks, my heart shatters. It feels like I’m watching this moment happen from the outside.
He clears his throat, and I wonder if he’s feeling the same emotions I am, or if all of this is easy for him. “I have to, Segan. I can’t stay here, and you can’t come with me.”
“Yes, I can,” I plead with him, the emotion evident in my voice. “Please, let me come with you. We can be together.” A sob gets caught in my throat. We’ve never voiced our feelings to one another, never admitted to this connection between us, but I know if I don’t right now, I’ll lose him. I have to. I have to get it out there.
I reach for his arm, but he steps back. It stings, his rejection.
“Dammit, Segan,” he grumbles, louder this time. “You can’t fucking come with me. I don’t want you to.” Five words like a knife to my chest. “I’m leaving in the morning, alone, and I wanted you to hear it from me.”
Hot, unshed tears blur my vision, my chest feeling caved in with the knowledge that tomorrow, he won’t be here. Mixed in with the hurt comes the anger boiling up.
“Fuck you, Josiah,” I spit out.
I turn and walk away, and he lets me. Josiah doesn’t say anything in response, and I’m glad he doesn’t.
A single tear spills over, falling down my face, but I swipe it away before any more have a chance to fall. Fuck Josiah. He doesn’t fucking deserve my tears. He doesn’t deserve shit. How can he just leave like that?
Doesn’t he feel anything for me? Was it all in my head?
Fuck!
Getting back to my house, I sit on the back porch, smoking cigarette after cigarette, going over every single interaction with Josiah. Every single time we were alone together, everything he ever said to me.The kiss.How could I have gotten it so fucking wrong?
He’s leaving… and I’m a fucking idiot.
JOSIAH
