My thoughts can be hurtful, and very much not helpful.
He’s not annoyed by me. I just need to cheer him up. Make him see why it’s important that I stick around. Everyone needs a little cheering up from time to time. I can do that for him.
But what would cheer him up?
Clearly, not sex, if the way he so blatantly turned me down this morning is any indication. I know it’s not the healthiest mechanism, but sex has always been the one way I can make people see how great I am. It’s how I can make people feel better. Sometimes I can be annoying with the things I say, but my body… My body can make everything right again.
So, when that’s not on the table, I’m left with fuck all to do.
The rest of the meal passes with as much awkward tension and silence as the beginning, and when it’s over, Caspian tells me he’s going back to his room to take a nap.
He doesn’t even ask me to come with him.
But honestly, that’s okay, because a thought formed in my mind while I was eating, and frankly, I think it’s genius. We part ways, with him sulking over toward the front door of the main building, and me taking a left out of the restaurant. There’s a store in this building. It reminds me of a gift shop like you’d find in a hotel or a hospital or something, but it has more items similar to a convenience store.
I saw something in here the other day when I was buying toothpaste that made me think of Caspian. Hopefully, it’s still here. Walking in the front entrance, it dings, alerting everyone in the store of my arrival. Grabbing a basket, I hook it on my arm, making my way through the aisles. Some random Beyonce song from the early 2000s plays on low in here, and I’d like to know when the music I grew up on suddenly became convenience store music.
It takes me all of fifteen minutes to find everything I need, including the item I saw the other day. It was the last one too, so I’m happy to have snagged it.
I decide to not bug Caspian yet, since we just parted ways, like, twenty minutes ago. So, instead, I head on up to my room, tossing the bag of goodies on the bed as I strip down into my birthday suit.
The spray is scalding as I step under it, the room quickly filling up with billows of fog. The water feels amazing, and I take my time washing myself while my mind remains firmly planted on Caspian.
As always.
This feeling of panic that he’s going to leave me—even though he’s not even mine to leave—terrifies me. Why am I like this?
He’s such a frustrating person. When he’s there, he’sthere,and fuck, does it feel good. Like when we were camping, that morning after… that was incredible. The way he handled my body with such care and need, the way his steel-gray eyes drank me in like I was the most exquisite thing he’s ever laid eyes on. He has this way of making someone feel like they’re the only ones in the room, like they matter.
And I’m the gullible guppy who believes him.
Then there are days like today, when I’m certain he hates me. That I’m nothing more than an annoyance to him, and maybe an occasional nut. It’s an awful feeling. A sinking ship in my fucking gut.
But it’s okay because what I have planned will make it all better. He’ll cheer up, and he’ll appreciate my effort.
Turning off the faucet, I grab the plush white towel, wrapping it around myself as I step out of the shower. Goosebumps break out all over, a shiver racking through me as the cool air hits my freshly heated skin. I quickly dry off and get dressed, running the towel through my hair. Not that it needs it. It’s getting longer since being here, but it’s still so short, it’s practically dry by the time I step out.
Checking the time, it’s still only been like forty-five minutes since we parted ways. Not exactly a long nap. Wanting to kill some more time, I sit at the desk and work on some shit for my therapy appointment next week. Who knew therapy would be like school, with homework and all.
I wonder what the twins are up to right this very second. The time difference always throws me off, but it’s probably early morning there. It would be nice to get to talk to them. Back home, we didn’t hang out too often, since they live in Malibu and I’m in L.A., but we did talk almost every day. It’s been weird not doing that.
What if by the time I get home, they’ve forgotten all about me?
Maybe they found a new best friend. Someone who isn’t an outcast by his parents, who doesn’t get forced into rehab, someone who doesn’t think everyone hates him if they go longer than a few days without talking.
Sometimes, I really hate the way my brain works. It’s a self-sabotaging son of a bitch. No matter how logical I try to be, it’s always there, the little devil on my shoulder, whispering doubt into my ear.
I remember one time when I was a junior in high school, I was dating this smokin’ hot UCLA baseball player. The boy looked like he could be a fucking model, type hot. We hadn’t been able to see each other much because it was the middle of the season, and it was making me anxious and unsure of everything. Like, maybe he didn’t want to see me, maybe he was ghosting me.
Anyway, he went out of town for an away game, and I found out where the team was staying. I wasconvincedhe was going to be hooking up with someone else, so I drove down there, went to the game, and then afterwards, I followed him to the afterparty, where I was dead set that he was going to meet someone there.
He spotted me pretty quickly and was understandably confused. I played it off like I wanted to surprise him, but later that night when I got drunk, I spilled the real reason.
As one would guess, he wasn’t fucking cool with that.
He broke up with me the next morning, saying he couldn’t be with someone who didn’t trust him and who wasn’t secure in the relationship.
Which, I get it, but fuck, that hurt. All because my brain convinced me he was lying to me. And what’s worse is he never gave me a reason not to trust him. It was solely my own fucking issue. I cling to people like a lifeline, and then doubt them incessantly.
