“I never felt good enough,” he admits. “And eventually I stopped trying to steal your attention altogether because what was the point? A child shouldn’t have to fight for their parents’ attention.”
“Ryan, I am so incredibly sorry that I ever made you feel that way. You’re right… work did consume a lot of my time—a lot more than it did when you were younger—but that’s no excuse. I love you, and it breaks my heart that I ever made you feel this way.”
“And then seeing you at that hotel two years ago… with thatguy. It’s just… I never pictured you as a cheater. It was disappointing to see my dad in that light. Mom loved you so much, and I thought you guys were actually happy.”
I sigh, running a hand through my hair. This isn’t a conversation I ever wanted to have with him. “Your mom knew, Ryan.”
His brows pull inward. “What?”
“Listen, this isn’t something I ever planned to tell you because there are just some things parents and kids shouldn’t discuss—such as our sex lives—but I will, for the sake of clearing things up for you.”
When he doesn’t say anything, I continue.
“I have known I’m bisexual for many, many years. Before your mom, I dated mostly men. Your mom knew this. She also knew there were some things she could never give me. A few years ago, we made the decisiontogetherto open our marriage. We were very upfront about everything that happened. I need you to know, Ryan, that your mom and I loved each other very much. We had a very happy marriage, and that didn’t change or negate any of that.”
“So, you hired hookers?” he deadpans.
“One,” I correct him, cringing. “That time you saw me was right after we made the decision.”
“Why hire prostitutes, then? Why not meet someone in a normal way, like dating apps?”
“Because I’m a well-known judge, and I needed to be sure there would be a certain level of anonymity. It happened once. And then when your mom had the accident, I had too much on my mind and plate to even think of doing anything. It wasn’t until…”
“Until Bodhi,” he finishes for me.
“Yes, until Bodhi. I was incredibly lonely, Ryan. You may not understand it or believe me, but the last year before your mom died was hard for me. Bodhi was a big part in helping me feel normal again. I realize Bodhi being who he is to you isn’t ideal, and I’m sorry for that, but he means a lot to me. I hope one day you’re able to accept that.”
Ryan’s quiet for a moment as he fidgets with the wrapper to his straw. My stomach is in knots, not knowing what he’s going to say, but also because I just laid out a lot of information to my son that most parents wouldn’t dream of sharing. It’s vulnerable and uncomfortable, and probably considered an over-share to most people. But if it helps mend our relationship and helps Ryan see me in a better light, it’s worth it.
Finally, he glances over at me, blue eyes that remind me so much of his mother, and asks, “Do you love him?”
Without missing a single beat, I say, “I really fucking love him.”
He nods. “Okay.”
Our food comes, and we dig in. My stomach was screaming at me, having not eaten practically all day. I had a busy workload today, so breaks weren’t really an option. We eat in a comfortable silence for a while, until one thing comes to my mind that I have to ask.
“Did you and Bodhi… date?” I wince at how ridiculous that sounds. “I always thought you two were just friends.”
He shakes his head, taking a sip from his Coke. “Nah. We were friends. It only happened the one time, and it shouldn’t have happened. He was just so sad, I wanted to make him feel better. We were drinking, and well, one thing led to another, and—”
“Okay.” Holding up my hand, I say, “I don’t need the details.”
Ryan chuckles before his face turns serious. “His home life was shitty. Like really shitty.”
“How so?”
“His dad was a total asshole. Never did anything but pick on Bodhi. Never his other two sons. And his oldest brother, Charles, was worse. I don’t know specifics because he never told me, but there were rumors about him.”
“About Bodhi?”
“No, about Charles.”
“What kind of rumors?” Guilt twists in my stomach, asking these questions to someone who isn’t Bodhi, but something tells me I need to hear this.
“There’s no proof or anything, of course.” He pops a fry in his mouth before continuing. “But the rumors were that Charles had an affliction for the… younger crowd, and apparently ran some sort of underage poker sex situation.”
My eyes go wide, eyebrows shooting straight up. “What?” I hiss.
