Neither of us can go back in time and change what has happened. I can only hope to move forward and get better.
I love you. I will always love you,
Bodhi
Chapter Thirty-Nine
Bodhi King
Three Months
Dear Ryan,
One of the exercises my therapist has me do is try to put a voice to the things that have littered my mind for years. To not only face my trauma, but to also face my own wrong doings and regrets.
So, here we are…
Your friendship meant the most to me at one point in my life. You were the one positive in the sea of all my negatives at a very crucial time. You helped me feel not so alone. You stood up for me when kids at school were ruthless. And you always gave me a home away from home when things got bad with my family.
I really am sorry for how things turned out between us. I was lost and hurting, and I latched on to you and expected way too much out of you. I took advantage of your niceness, even if I didn’t realize I was doing it, and I confused it all for something it wasn’t.
We never, ever should’ve crossed that line and slept together. I know that now. I needed to feel close to someone, I needed to feel loved, and I was looking in the wrong place. At the time, I truly thought I was in love with you. It ate at me for years.
It took a lot of soul searching and digging down deep within myself to realize that I was so wrong for how I treated you, for the things I expected from you. I’m not sure we’ll ever be able to get back to where we were, and that’s okay. I respect that. But I do hope that maybe with time, we’ll be able to be somewhat cordial.
I know with one hundred percent certainty that your dad loves you. It isn’t my place, but I wouldn’t feel right if I didn’t at least say something. The way Jules and I found each other was unconventional at best, but he didn’t know about my history with you. At least not that part. Despite what you think, I didn’t seek him out to get back at you.
I don’t know your full reasoning for shutting him out, and I don’t need to. Like I said, it’s not my business, but I do know he loves you more than anything and would do anything to fix the relationship. You need to let go of the judgement you hold toward him because at some point, the weight of that is just as bad as what you are accusing your dad of doing. You, as an adult, owe it to yourself and to your dad to sit down like men and talk everything out—the bad, the ugly, the difficult, the uncomfortable—all of it. I think you’d be surprised at what you find out. He isn’t the monster you’re painting him to be in your head.
I truly hope you’re doing well, and I hope that you’re happy.
Sincerely,
Bodhi
Chapter Forty
Jules van der Meer
Two and a Half Weeks Until Bodhi Comes Home
I put my house up for sale about a week ago.
The decision was kind of spur of the moment. It’s too much space for one person. I don’t need six bedrooms and six bathrooms. The only area of my house I actually use anymore is the master bedroom and my ensuite. Nine times out of ten, I’m ordering take out from my office, where I eat while I work late.
Working helps keep my mind off Bodhi, and the fact that it’s been nearly four months since I’ve seen him. He comes home in a little over two weeks, and it can’t come soon enough. Of course, we talk. He wasn’t allowed any electronic devices for the first sixty days, so we wrote a few letters back and forth. Since phones have been allowed, we talk every few days. The patients are only allowed a certain amount of time each day for phone calls, and I’m not the only person he needs to talk to. He usually alternates between me, Camden, and Elias.
I still don’t know much about what led up to Bodhi swallowing all those pills, but I hope to at some point when he comes home from California. So many questions swirl around in my mind. Like the gouge on his cheek from that day. He said it came from his brother, but why? What happened? It’s like I’m stuck between needing to know and knowing I need to respect his boundaries and let him tell me when he’s ready.
In his first letter to me when he got to the treatment center, he did say he wants to sit down and explain some things when he gets home, so hopefully I’ll get some answers soon.
My phone chimes as I’m packing up my briefcase, getting ready to head home for the evening. Grabbing it, I’m more than surprised to see the name that flashes on the screen as a new text message comes through.
Ryan: Hey, I don’t know if it’s possible, but can we meet up sometime soon and talk?
My eyebrows raise to the ceiling as I thumb off a response.
Me: Hey. Of course, we can. When were you thinking? I can book a flight down to you.
