Standing in front of my mirror, I adjust my tie, tightening it and giving myself a once-over. The exhaustion is clear on my face; dark circles under bloodshot eyes, hair that’s not quite right, face that’s paler than usual. Sleep hasn’t been coming easy lately, but my body desperately needs it.
A knock sounds at the door.
“Come in,” I holler.
In the mirror, I watch Ryan walking in, his own suit and tie already on. He looks as tired as I feel. His eyes meet mine in the reflection. “Ready to go? People will be showing up soon.”
“Yeah, I’m ready. Let’s go.” Grabbing my coat from the back of the chair on my way out the door, we silently make our way downstairs and into the garage, where we ride together to the church.
When everything happened originally with Lorelei, it was sudden. She didn’t have a will drawn up, and we had never talked about funeral arrangements; if she wanted to be buried or cremated, what type of flowers, music, food would be involved, so I had no idea what her wishes were. We never talked about it because we assumed we had time. If this has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t always have all the time in the world. It can be over in the blink of an eye.
Nobody’s here when we arrive. Ryan and I work together to get the place set up, with the help of the pastor. All morning, it’s felt like a lump has taken up residence in my throat, refusing to go away no matter how hard I swallow against it. I’m supposed to read the eulogy, but I don’t know how I’m going to get any of it out. Ryan’s struggling, and while I’m trying to be there for him, it’s hard. Our relationship still isn’t anywhere near where I want it to be, and because of that, he won’t let me in enough to actually help him.
One by one, bodies start filling up the space, taking seats in the pews. Friends of Lorelei’s, co-workers of mine, people in the community she knew, family. Everybody but the one person I was hoping would show up. The one person I need the most. People come up, hug me, offer their condolences, the obligatory“I’m so sorry for your loss,”and telling me how great she was and how she’ll be missed.
Time seems to drag, but before I know it, I’m stepping in front of the room to give my speech. As a judge, I don’t shy away from it, but this… this is different. It’s intimate and personal, and to be honest, it’s a little daunting, too. The pressure to do her memory well with these words, sound like the perfect husband when I’m anything but. My hands tremble slightly as I pull the note cards out of my jacket pocket.
Just as I’m about to start, the doors open in the back of the room, and my heart soars when I see who walks through. We make eye contact, and while it’s hard to know for sure with the distance between us, I think I make out the faintest of smiles on Bodhi’s face and a small wave before he takes a seat in the back. Nobody else seems to have noticed his entrance, but suddenly, my mind is settled, and I feel like I can get through this day.
**
Rosa and Jasmine insisted on making food for everyone after the service. They’re grieving just as much as any of us. They spent so much time with Lorelei, before and after the accident. This felt like their last act of service to her, and I couldn’t deny them that. Once everything wrapped up at the church, we all came back to my house where they had enough food to feed an army set out buffet style.
I didn’t get a chance to talk to Bodhi at the service, and I wasn’t sure if he was going to come back here afterward, but he just walked through the front door, his gaze immediately finding mine in the crowd. It feels like an eternity passes before I can weave through the bodies to get to him, even though it’s realistically only a minute at most. The need to wrap my arms around him, feel him against me, and kiss him is strong, but I can’t do that. Ryan is around here somewhere, and while I plan to tell him eventually after all this is over, today isn’t the day.
“Thank you for coming,” I murmur, coming to a stop in front of him. “It means a lot to me.”
“You’re welcome.” His voice is quiet, icy blue eyes peering up at me softly. He glances around, probably looking out for Ryan. Nerves are radiating off him in waves. He’s uncomfortable being here, but he’s choosing to be… for me.
“Come on.” I nod my head to the left, heading to the office I have on the first floor that’s never used. The house is loud, and with people talking and music playing, it’s hard to think straight. When I close the door behind us, I can breathe again. Crossing the room, I sit on the corner on my desk. Bodhi steps between my legs, my hands going automatically to his hips, pulling him closer until we’re practically flush.
He smells of the beachy body wash he uses and when his arms circle my neck, hands resting on my nape, they’re cool to the touch, sending a shiver down my spine. The way he watches me, with curiosity and absolute adoration, never fails to make my knees feel weak. We’re two people who realistically shouldn’t be together, but it’s as if he was sent here for me. We’re two broken, jagged beings, who somehow manage to fit together and make a whole.
With how flighty he is, and how hard he denies his feelings toward me, I sometimes wonder if it’s one sided. If maybe I just have this unreturned infatuation for him. But then he does things like this, despite feeling so clearly out of his comfort zone, and he looks at me like I hold the key to all the answers he so desperately needs. It isn’t one sided. It can’t be.
“I don’t know what to do here,” Bodhi croaks. His fingers rub circles on the back of my neck, and it ignites a flame throughout my entire body.
Cocking my head to the side, I ask, “What do you mean?”
“I don’t know how to behave. How to help you. I want to kiss you and comfort you, but I don’t know if that’s allowed.” He huffs out a sigh. “I don’t know what to do.”
A small smile forms on my face as I press my lips to his. He stiffens, inhaling sharply, before melting into my touch. Something he so often does. My tongue teases along the seam, and when he parts his lips, letting me in, I glide across his, tasting him. The kiss is tender. It’s unhurried. His fingers rake through the short strands at my nape, tugging, as he gently sucks on my tongue, pulling a groan from my chest.
He pulls his lips from mine, placing soft kisses on my forehead, my cheeks, even the tip of my nose, before holding me close to his chest, his head resting on mine. His heartbeat steadies my own. I wish all the people out there would leave so I could take him up to my room, get us naked, and explore his body. Being with him in that way is so comforting and almost spiritual. Sex has never felt that deep on a psychological sense with anybody else but Bodhi. It’s like when our bodies sync up, everything feels right in the world. Being with Bodhi is a mind, body, and soul experience I never want to give up.
“I love you.” My words come out as nothing more than a whisper. They’re words I’ve said before. Words I shouldn’t say right now, but I can’t help it.
Once again, his body stiffens against me, probably fighting the urge to flee. “You shouldn’t say things like that.”
“Why not? I mean it.”
“Because,” he breathes out, pulling back to meet my gaze. “You shouldn’t love me. I’m broken beyond repair. You deserve someone you don’t have to piece back together all the time, especially after what you went through with your wife.”
I’m stunned silent for a moment. He’s indicated as much before in not so many words, but to hear him come out and say all of that is heartbreaking. His self-worth is so low, he truly believes he is undeserving of love, and he couldn’t be more wrong. “Bodhi—”
Whatever I was about to say is cut off when the noise from the main part of the house is let inside with the door swinging open. I glance around Bodhi to see who walked in just as he peers over his shoulder to do the same. His hands immediately drop from around my neck as he jumps back like I shocked him.
“What the hell is going on here?”
