“What are you talking about?”
“Your future plans, the ones you’ve had ridiculously laid out since I met you. If you said I’m your guy forever, it would throw a wrench into your future plans.”
“No, it wouldn’t. I could still win a minimum of six Stanley Cups rings and be the Tom Brady of hockey.”
“Yeah, you could still do those things and maybe stay the world’s biggest closet case. You technically can still have three sons, but you can kiss the idea of being married to a hot blonde with the best boobs in America goodbye.”
I snorted at that one. Even in a situation as tense as this one, I couldn’t help finding that funny.
“Admit it,” he said, “no matter how hot things have been between us, you’ve held on to that ridiculous dream of yours.”
“Come on, dude, don’t put words in my mouth.”
“I’m not putting words in your mouth. I’m just pointing out a fact. You still want those things, but you can’t have it both ways. Meanwhile, you’re with me, and you love the perks you’re getting from it.”
“Yeah, I do. And you’re loving the perks you’re getting from me. Is that so wrong?”
“It’s not wrong to love the perks, but there needs to be more, Kayden. Like I said, you love what you can get from being with me, but this isn’t a forever situation for you.”
I’m not stupid. I could fill in the blanks for the rest of this argument, and none of it was good. It didn’t matter what I told him. He would fire back with his own argument about how I didn’t care about him and make me look like a real shit. But I couldn’t deny that he was right about something. I hadn’trevised my life plan, mostly because I hadn’t thought about it. Either way, I still had this idea that I would marry a gorgeous woman with great boobs—and if they were the best in America, then even better.
That wasn’t a knock on my boyfriend. Hotness aside, he was a great guy. I wanted to think I was already a better person thanks to the time we’d spent together. And did I mention the sex was epic? But I hadn’t thought about the long term. Future plans for the two of us just hadn’t entered my mind because I didn’t know how to take that next step.
Because it scared me.
That sounded like something straight out of the Erik De Ruiter playbook. But it was true, and at that moment, I would admit that only to myself.
“Look,” I said, “I don’t know what you want me to say, but I love and care about you—andonlyyou.”
“You really mean that, don’t you?”
“Yeah, I do.”
Almost all the strength drained from my voice when I spoke. My tongue and throat felt dry. That had to mean something, right?
“Can you promise you’ll be with me forever?” he asked.
“You know I can’t actually makepromiseslike that.”
The old Kayden would’ve told girlfriends, “Yeah, sure we’ll be together until the end of time.” Anything I had to say to pull my feet away from the fire. But I couldn’t say that to Erik. I had to be honest at all times. See? He had changed me!
“Why not?” he asked.
“Why not? Because I can’t predict the future any more than you can, bro. Things happen.”
“How do I know you won’t get tired of me and dump me one day?”
“I wouldn’t do anything like that. I’ve never even thought about it.”
“You’re just stalling now.”
Right again, Erik. Congratulations on verbally beating me to a pulp.
He collapsed back onto the mattress and stared up at the ceiling. Thank god he hadn’t started putting his clothes back on. That would really mean that the conversation was over—and worse, that I’d lost.
“I know why you’re worried,” I said. “I need you to understand that we’re at different comfort levels and that opening up to the world about some things isn’t always easy for me.”
He didn’t answer. I didn’t know whether to take that as good or bad news. I could try to talk my way around this all I wanted. It wouldn’t do me any good. Erik De Ruiter knew me better than I knew myself.
