“You said it to Ryan Detenbeck after a win one time.”
“So?”
“And you said it to Braxton Wilson.”
“That’s nothing.”
“Nothing? You slapped him on the ass after you said it. For crying out loud, you told Coach Harrison that you loved him after practice one day.”
“I did?”
“Yeah, you did. Trust me, I noticed.”
“You didn’t notice. You kept score.”
“Call it whatever you want, babe. You still can’t say it to me.”
Now Kayden’s eyes widened, and he combed his fingers through his hair like I’d pushed him to the brink of insanity. Next, he would stomp out of the room, telling me it was nothing, that he could say it anytime he wanted. I knew better.
You’ve got to challenge guys like him. I knew what I was doing.
“It’s because you’re scared, isn’t it?” I asked.
Kayden, who’d half-turned, snapped back to me, and I saw the growing fire in his eyes.
“Why does everything go back to fear with you?”
“You didn’t answer my question, babe. And besides, you’ve always hesitated pretty massively before each new step in this relationship. You wouldn’t be doing that if you weren’t terrified deep down.”
“That doesn’t mean anything.”
“Yes, it does. It means that with each milestone, you’re inching closer and closer to the point of no return.”
“Now you’re just being ridiculous.”
“No, I’m not. If you weren’t scared to death, you would’ve had no trouble coming right out and saying it by now.”
“Just shut up and eat your pizza, would you?”
Kayden had lost the argument. That was the telltale sign. He wouldn’t admit it or wave a white flag. Of course not. He was Kayden Preston. Instead of showing an ounce of humility, he would shut the conversation down, offering no further defense, like any further dialogue was beneath him.
The argument might’ve ended, but my concerns remained alive and well. On one hand, I couldn’t complain. We’d had a great relationship one way or another. It’d already beat the relationship I’d had with my ex-girlfriend back in Canada, both in terms of sex and intensity. On the other hand, I wanted toembrace the future we could have. That had always been my reason for “moving the goalposts” as Kayden liked to say. He could become complacent.
But how could we have a future if Kayden was emotionally unavailable?
30
KAYDEN
Look, I never once felt the need to explain myself until Erik De Ruiter walked into my life. Love.Love. It’s just a word. Just one syllable for god’s sake! Oh yeah, girls have told me they loved me. I didn’t say it back to them either. They made a big deal out of it, but we never got into some ridiculous argument. This time, Ididget into a ridiculous argument with Erik. That alone should’ve told him he was special.
Okay, that totally came out wrong. I’m just saying that unlike my past girlfriends, I was at least willing to tell him why. Iopened upto him.
But he still didn’t get it.
Call me a pig. I don’t care. I’m a hockey player and don’t sit around thinking about my feelings. Sorry if I thought Erik was the same. Either way, I knew I hadn’t heard the end of it.
The ice before practice begins offers us a special kind of alone time. We both zipped up and down the rink, taking shots at empty nets before meeting at center ice.
