“Is it that you don’t want a relationship?” I asked. “Or you only care about me for the sex?”
Deep down, I knew the answer to that. I wouldn’t have pushed for a relationship if I really thought he would never go for it. I wanted my teammate to at least think about it. If I didn’t push him, we would keep drifting along, going exactly nowhere.
Kayden got up and paced the room, finally putting his shirt back on. That he didn’t storm out felt like a small victory.
“I don’t know what I want,” he said.
I paused, worried this conversation wouldn’t go in the direction I wanted it to.
“So, you’re not even open to it?”
“I never said I wasn’t open to it. It probably is the next step for us, right? I’m just not sure how to do it.”
“Why think about anything? It’s not romantic. Just go with the flow.”
“I can’t just go with the flow, Erik. You know that.”
“What’s your biggest problem? What the guys on the team will think?”
“The guys…and everyone, really. They’ll think I’ve been lying to them. I won’t know what to say to anyone about it.”
“You don’t have to say anything.”
“Yes, I do. Don’t you get it? Even if the reaction isn’t so bad, they’ll want answers to way too many questions. If we don’t say anything, they’re going to keep pushing me to dish about everything.”
“Like what?”
“Girls, dude. You know how much time the guys spend on that topic. If they see us together all the time and neither of us ever go after any girls, then they’ll know something’s up.”
I didn’t want to give him that much credit, but I also understood what he meant. Guys in our shoes never have trouble finding available girls. I’m not saying they throw themselves at us, but you get the point. Passing over a few of them is one thing. Ignoring them altogether and sticking so closely together could be taken as a red flag.
Maybe.
But so what? We didn’t have to care about what other people thought. But could I tell Kayden that? I think we both knew the answer. If I wanted to convince my would-be-boyfriend to go for this, I had to tiptoe around the tricky parts.
“It’s just that you can’t put the toothpaste back in the tube,” he said.
“What do you mean?”
“Like, once it’s out, it’s out. There’s no going back. They’ll know who we are, and we can’t change that.”
“But why would we want to change who we are?”
He paused. We both knew the answer but neither wanted to say it.
“Look, I’m not asking you to make a huge announcement,” I said. “I just want us to at least try. We’ve got the potential for something amazing here. You can’t deny that.”
Only then did I realize my finger was pointing straight at him. That meant I was in control of the conversation, right? His head hung a little. Normally Kayden acted cocky and confident, but now he looked sheepish. He didn’t say that he agreed with me. I already knew. But why did he have to be so goddamn stubborn?
“I don’t want to lose you,” he said.
He sounded flat, like he couldn’t allow emotion to spill over into his voice. Too late for that because he couldn’t say it without fear and sadness appearing all over his face.
“You’re not going to lose me,” I said.
“How do I know?”
“You’re a tough cookie, Kayden, but I’ve seen your soft side. I know what’s in your heart.”
