“Are you serious?”
“Of course I’m serious.”
“I didn’t plan on anything. It just happened. I would’ve been perfectly happy to have you out of my face and not talk to you any more than I have to, but that’s not how things panned out. And don’t act like I was just dying to kiss you.”
“Well, you were. I could tell.”
“You seemed pretty into it yourself, bub.”
“Fuck off.”
“A little threatened, are we, Kayden? When you think about it, I should be asking you the same questions.”
“I’m not gay!”
I spat the words out. This time, kids around usdidhear me, which I saw from their stunned looks and arched eyebrows. I know Erik hadn’t said that, but I had to make sure he knew I was straight as an arrow. But if I didn’t shut up, I would dig a hole too deep to escape.
“I’m not saying you are,” he said, “but you’d never know it by the way you kissed me.”
“You’re asking for it, De Ruiter.”
“Tongues and everything.”
“I’m not fucking around, bro.”
“By the way, I’m not gay either.”
“But you kissed me.”
He paused and furrowed his brow, like I’d made the stupidest comment on earth.
“We kissed each other,” he said. “You can’t change that no matter how hard you try. That means something’s going on. Deny it all you want.”
“It was nothing.”
“Figures.”
“What the hell’s that supposed to mean?”
“You run away from the truth the moment it threatens you. Like when we kissed. It happened. You can’t pretend like it didn’t. And don’t kid yourself. You had as much to do with that kiss as I did.”
I clapped my hands over my ears for a split second and then removed them. Such fierce refusal to listen would only worsen things.
Did I really want answers? Hell yeah. But I also wanted to put the whole thing on Erik. He was obviously pining after me. He was the one who would make life on the Larkin Lions hockey team totally awkward. Worse, he wouldn’t allow me to write my own narrative. No, wait, he was the one who wouldn’t allow me to set things straight, pun not intended.
“Look,” I said, “as far as I’m concerned, nothing even happened. I just want to go back to a time when my lips had never touched another guy’s. I’m game if you are.”
“I would be doing the same thing, but I know I can’t change the past. That’s the difference between me and you.”
“No, dude, the difference between me and you, is that you get hung up on stupid shit and I don’t.”
“Or maybe I’m not scared to confront things that make me uncomfortable.”
I paused. That little asshole. I wasn’t scared of anything, and I would prove it to him. I’m not a bad guy, though. I’d kept my cool. Anyone else would’ve gotten a fist for saying that.
You lost control. You were the master of the universe until this kid came along and stared deep into your eyes.
“Look, I’ve got a class to get to,” he said. “If you don’t have anything intelligent to say, then I’m out of here.”
