I wait.
“What if it’s not your choice?” he finally says. “It wasn’t my mother’s choice.”
I take a deep breath. “Well, sorry to be blunt about it,” I say, “but that’s just the gamble of life, honey. Life can be a bitch and a half and there’s nothing we can do about it. Look what just happened to Colby. But I’m telling you I’m not going anywhere, if I can help it. Wild horses couldn’t drag me away and that’s all I can promise you. And that’s got to be enough, babe—I’m only human.”
Josh makes a sound I can’t interpret.
“What?” I ask.
“What if I fuck up? What then? Will you leave me then?”
“Just don’t fuck up.”
Josh scoffs. “Kat.”
I smile in the dark. “What?”
“I’m serious.”
“So am I.”
“Kat, I’m gonna fuck up—we both know that. How could I not? I told you—I don’t know what love looks like up close. I’m a blind man feeling my way in the dark with my hands tied behind my back. I’ll fuck it up and then you’ll leave me and then my brains will be splattered on the ceiling.”
“Well, first off, that’s just dumb,” I say. “You’re not giving yourself enough credit for your awesomeness. You’re covered in Teflon, baby, remember? But second off, I’ve got an easy fix for the whole situation.” I touch his face and I’m shocked to find his cheeks are still wet. “Oh, Josh,” I breathe.
Josh abruptly turns his face away from my touch. “What’s your easy fix?”
I kiss his broad shoulder and turn his face toward mine in the dark. “I’ll teach you what to do, honey. Problem solved. Slowly but surely, I’ll teach you how to do this love-thing. And so will my family. And so will our baby. And whenever you fuck up, I’ll forgive you and you’ll get better and better at it until you hardly fuck up at all.”
He doesn’t reply. And in the silence, I suddenly realize the Plain White T’s song on constant repeat is starting to annoy the shit out of me. I reach over to my laptop and flip my playlist onto shuffle, and “Mirrors” by Justin Timberlake randomly begins to play.
I scoot back to Josh in bed, smashing my breasts against his broad back. “Babe,” I say. “Listen to me. You can totally do this. Remember when you started the L.A. branch of Faraday & Sons? You didn’t know a goddamned thing about running a business, but you learned on the job and kicked ass and now you’re a freaking beast. Well, same thing here.”
Josh lets out a long exhale.
“Plus, it won’t even be possible for you to blow your brains out onto my wedding dress because there won’tbea wedding dress. Ever. Easy peasy pumpkin squeezy. Problem solved.”
Josh doesn’t reply.
Shit, this man is a tough nut to crack.
“Hello?” I say. “You’ve gone completely mute on me, boy. At least gimme a hint about what you’re thinking.”
“I’ll give you more than a hint,” he says, his voice soft but intense. “I’m thinking I love you. I’m thinking I’m so lucky I found you. And I’m thinking I hate myself for crying like a little bitch right now.”
“I love you, too,” I say, sighing with relief. “And you’re not crying like a little bitch. You’re crying like a normal human.Finally.”
Josh kisses me passionately. He’s obviously calmed down and returned to his usual form. His panic attack, or whatever the heck it was, seems to be over.
“Okay?” I ask, stroking his hair. “All better?”
“Yeah,” he says, sounding like the weight of the world has just been lifted off him. “I’m good.”
“Honey, slowly but surely, you’ll learn how to do the love-thing and you’ll become wise and powerful and unstoppable. Okay?”
“Well, I’m already wise and powerful. I’ve told you that a hundred times. Damn, you’re a horrible listener.”
“Oh, yeah,” I coo. I touch his cheeks in the dark. They’re dry now. Sticky with his dried tears, but dry. “I know you’re wise and powerful,” I whisper. “I was just seeing if you were listening.”
