“Right away.”
“Oh my God,” he says. He’s panting. “This is gonna be awesome.”
He’s shaking like a leaf. Is that anxiety or joy coursing through his veins? I wish I could see his face.
“I haven’t even met with the interior designer for my house yet,” Josh says breathlessly. “We’ll decorate the place together. It’ll beourhouse, Kat—withourbaby—yeah, and we’ll make one of the rooms a nursery, and you can decorate it however you like and we’ll live together and raise our kid and we’ll behappy.” He’s rambling maniacally, practically gasping for air, stroking my face feverishly. It’s like the Hoover Dam has broken inside him and a pent-up reservoir of words and feelings is gushing out of him all at once. “We’ll be together because wewantto be,” Josh continues, his words pouring out of him like a torrent. “Because weloveeach other. We won’t need a piece of paper to make our commitment official.” He abruptly stops talking. His voice quavers. “Right? We love each other and that’s all we need?” He swallows audibly. “Right?”
“I don’t need a piece of paper,” I say soothingly. “All I need is you, Josh. If you promise to love me and our baby the best way you know how, that’s enough for me.”
He exhales a huge breath. “I promise. I’ll love you and our baby. That’s what I can give you.”
“Then that’s enough.”
He’s panting now. “I want you to live with me, babe—I want you to be all mine.”
“I will be. I am.”
“Promise?” He’s trembling against me.
“I promise.”
His chest is heaving against mine. He’s literally twitching and jerking next to me. I touch his face. His cheeks are wet.
I’m flabbergasted. “Josh? Oh my God. Are you okay?”
Josh grips me to him. “I love you more than I ever thought possible. I didn’t know I could love like this. I didn’t know I wascapable.”
Wetness is streaming across my fingertips.
“I love you, too,” I say, trying to calm him. “More than I thought possible. Baby, what’s wrong?”
Josh takes a shuddering breath, obviously trying to collect himself.
“Josh, honey, calm down.Breathe. You’re going off the deep end all of a sudden. This is a happy thing—nothing to cry about.”
Josh suddenly sits up in the bed, shaking, and I rub his back, trying to soothe him. This isn’t how I expected this to go. I thought I’d coax the magic words out of him and we’d hug and kiss and make love and then nuzzle noses. I don’t understand. It’s almost like he’s having some sort of panic attack. What the hell is happening to him?
“When I asked you to marry me at the hospital, you were right to say no,” he says, panting. “I was just doing the right thing. I was acting out of obligation—trying to appease my father’s ghost—or maybe flip him the bird, I dunno. But I shouldn’t have asked that—I realize now I can’t deliver on that.”
The hairs on the arms are standing up. “Sssh,” I soothe. “I don’t care about getting married. I just wantyou. We’re having a baby together—that’s plenty for us to deal with. Our love is enough.”
There’s a very long silence between us. I have no idea what to say or do, so I continue rubbing his back. He’s quiet for so long, I’m beginning to feel like maybe he’s regretting telling me he loves me.
“Josh?” I ask, my stomach clenching. “I don’t understand why you’re freaking out.”
Josh pauses. “My dad blew his brains out onto her wedding dress, Kat,” he says softly, barely above a whisper.
My heart is pulsing in my ears. I wait but he doesn’t elaborate. “I don’t understand,” I finally say.
“If you were my wife,” he continues, “and if I lost you, I’m scared I’d do the same fucking thing. He always said I’m just like him.”
My heart lurches into my throat. “Josh,” I whisper. “Why are you... ? I don’t understand.” I sit up next to him and put my cheek onhis shoulder, still rubbing his back. “Please explain what you’re feeling right now.”
“I’ve lost everyone I love, my whole life,” he says, barely above a whisper. “Every single time I love someone, they wind up leaving me—or trying their damnedest to leave me. That’s what I’m always trying to ‘overcome.’ And now that I love you, now that I’m not holding anything back... Kat, I couldn’t overcome it if I lost you.”
“Well, then, that’s easy. You won’t lose me. Simple.”
Josh scoffs. “No, you don’t understand.”
