“No, fuckher—with supreme devotion and expertly calibrated skill.” The light from his phone illuminates the huge grin on his face. “I know you think you’re the wise and powerful Faraday twin—and youareabout most things—but about this one thing, I’m nothing short of godly. Just trust me.”
“Whatever, bro,” I mumble. Of course, I’m beyond excited to read whatever books Jonas just sent to my house, but I’d never tell him that. “Hey, bro, can I ask you something?”
“It’s called a G-spot,” Jonas says. “And it’s the key to the kingdom.”
“Fuck you,” I say. “I know about the G-spot, fucktard. I’m not a moron.”
“Of course, you do. Sorry to insult you. What’s your question?”
“What I’m about to say has nothing to do with medoubtingyour connection with Sarah, okay? So don’t flip out on me. Just remain calm.”
“I would never, ever flip out on you, Josh. I’m nothing if not an endless reservoir of calm contemplation.”
We both laugh.
“I’m just wondering...” I say. “Everything’s just been so fast for you two—”
“A lot’s happened in a short amount of time—we’ve already lived through a lifetime’s worth of shit together.”
“Oh, totally. I get that. I’m just wondering, you know...” I clear my throat. “How do youknow?”
“How do I know what? How to make her come? Read the books I sent you, dumbshit.” He laughs, but I don’t. He tilts his head, obviously realizing I’m asking him something in earnest. “How do I know Iloveher?” he asks.
“No, not exactly. What I’m asking is different than that—bigger than that.” I bite my lip, thinking. “How do you know Sarah’sThe One? How do you know she’s the last woman you ever wanna be with—the last woman you ever wannasleepwith for the rest of your whole fucking life? How do you know you can promise Sarahforeverand one hundred percentmean it?”
Jonas shrugs. “I just know. I’ve never been more sure of anything in my whole life.”
“Buthoware you so sure? Whatexactlydo you feel about Sarah that makes you so sure you don’t justloveher—because I totally getthat—but that youalsowanna spend the rest of your life with thisonegirl and not keep searching for some other girl who might be a teeny-tiny bit more perfect?”
Jonas sips his beer slowly, apparently pondering the question. “When you find what you’re looking for, you know,” he finally says. “We’re the greatest love story ever told—our love is the wonder of the wise, the joy of the good, the amazement of the gods.”
There’s an exceptionally long pause during which I have to keep myself from rolling my eyes. “Oh, well,” I say evenly. “That explains everything. Thanks.” I take a long swig of my beer and look out at the river. “That reminds me, I like your new ink. In English, I notice. That’s something new for you.”
Jonas looks down at the tattoo newly inscribed on the outside of his left forearm and his platinum bracelet glints in the moonlight. “Thanks. Yeah, I wanted the whole world to be able to read my words and understand their meaning. It’s my declaration of love for Sarah. I’m shouting about my love for her from the top of the highest mountain.”
I chuckle to myself. Oh man, Kat’s list of “prohibited” tattoos is the gift that just keeps on giving. “So you got agirlfriendtattoo, huh?” I say, trying to stifle my laughter. “So, so awesome, bro.”
“Soon to be awifetattoo,” Jonas says proudly, his excitement palpable. “Why are you laughing, motherfucker? What’s so funny?”
“I’m not laughing at you, I swear to God. Kat’s got this stupid list of tattoos that she says are uncool or whatever. And girlfriend tattoos are on the list.”
Jonas shrugs. “Like I’ve ever given two shits about being cool?” He swigs his beer, still looking out at the river. “And, anyway, it won’t be agirlfriendtattoo for much longer.” He’s obviously bursting with excitement about that last statement.
“Hey, don’t feel bad about having a tattoo on Kat’s list—dragons and YOLO are on the list, too—both supremely uncool, it turns out,” I say.
Jonas chuckles. “Well, I could have told you that.”
“No, but get this: Kat came up with her listbeforeshe saw any of my tattoos.”
Jonas bursts out laughing. “Really? Oh my God. That’s pretty funny.”
“Yeah, Reed and I raked her over the coals pretty good the other night at dinner, along with this hip-hop guy signed to Reed’s label. Cool dude. You’d like him. He’s a deep thinker, just like you. Anyway, this rapper-dude had an ex-girlfriend tattoo and a dragon.” I laugh at the memory. “Kat looked like she was gonna hurl the whole dinner. So fucking funny. I think we made her pay for her sins pretty well.”
“Wow, you should see your face when you’re talking about Kat,” Jonas says. “Youreallylike her, huh?”
I can’t hide my huge smile. “Yeah, bro, I like her a lot.” The image of Kat in her skimpy white tank top and G-string, her eyes drunk with arousal, and her hair tousled pops into my head. “So back to my question, bro,” I say. “Do you think you could, maybe, explain things in a way that’s not”—I grab his forearm roughly and read his brand new tattoo—“our ‘love is the joy of the good, the wonder of the wise, the amazement of the gods’? I know it’s hard for you, Jonas, but can you justtryto talk like a normal person, just once?”
Jonas swigs his beer, apparently thinking. “Okay, how aboutthis: Sarah’s holding my hand and leading me outside a dark cave toward the light that is the divine original form of myself.”
