He presses his forehead to mine for a brief moment before settling into bed, pulling me close until my back fits against his chest. He wraps his arms around me, holding me like I’m his fucking world.
I want to break open. I want to tell him everything inside me, all the words clawing at my throat. I want to sobwhile he holds me and tell him how scared I am, how much I already need him, and how much I love him too.
But I don’t move. I lie there with my eyes closed, and my heart cracked wide open, trying to breathe through the panic and awe tangled inside my chest.
If I say it back, if I tell him I love him too, it becomes real. And if it’s real, it can be broken.
catalina
. . .
Once Carter’s breathing evens out, slow and deep against my back, I carefully slip out from under his arm.
He stirs for half a second, but I gently shush him, pressing a kiss to his forearm.
Stay asleep, cowboy. I just need a minute.
I throw on one of his flannels hanging over the chair, wrapping it tightly around me. It envelops me completely, smelling of cedar, pine, and him. I creep down the stairs barefoot, each step creaking slightly under my weight.
I step out into the night. The grass feels cold and damp against my feet, the fresh air sharp in my lungs. Above me, the sky stretches wide, a thousand stars stitched across an endless velvet expanse. It’s so different from Los Angeles. Here, it’s just me, the darkness, and whatever’s left of my shattered heart.
I make my way to the barn without thought. The door creaks softly as I slip inside, the scent of hay wrapping around me like something familiar. I hated the smell when I first arrived, but now I can’t imagine living without it.
“Hey, babies,” I whisper as I walk down the aisle between stalls. Moonlight filters through the cracks in the wood, casting silver stripes across the floor.
Toffee lifts her head as I pass, and I run my fingers gently along her nose, the warmth of her breath grounding me in a way that nothing else has tonight.
“I don’t know what I’m doing,” I whisper, resting my forehead against her for a second. She nudges me, like she knows.
Across from her, Rain shifts, her silver coat catching the little moonlight that trickles in. I cross the aisle and gently run my hand down her neck, whispering her name as I place a soft kiss on her forehead. She leans into me with a small exhale, and I offer her a handful of sugar cubes.
I move to Midnight’s stall next and let my fingers drift across his black coat, whispering soft hellos and gentle apologies as if they understand the heaviness in my chest.
Maybe they do.
When I exit the barn, my hands carry the scent of dust and sugar cubes. My heart continues to pound out of rhythm.
I wander through the open pasture until the house is just a soft glow behind me. I sink down into the grass, pulling Carter’s flannel tighter around me like a second skin. The silence wraps around me, yet I don’t feel alone.
Not really.
I tilt my head back, whispering into the dark, my voice cracking before the words slip out. “Hola, Mamí.”
The stars don’t respond, but the wind hums softly against the trees.
Somehow, I feel her.
Tears blur my vision as I hug my knees to my chest. “I know it’s been a while since I talked to you. I just... I don’tknow how to do this without you, Mamí. I’m trying so fucking hard. But sometimes it feels like I’m running on empty, like I’m this broken thing no one knows how to fix.”
The ache in my throat burns so intensely that I can barely get the words out. “I-I miss you. Every fucking day. And these past couple of months? God, I’ve needed you so many times, it fucking hurts.”
I swipe the back of my hand across my cheeks, but the tears keep flowing. “I met someone—his name’s Carter. You’d love him, Mamí. He’s rough around the edges, but... his heart? His heart’s so big it could hold the whole world. He’s patient with me and sees me in ways no one else ever has.”
The sob rips out of me before I can stop it. I press my forehead to my knees, breathing through the wave. “He told me he loves me tonight, and I just laid there and pretended to be asleep because I’m a fucking coward.”
I sniffle, wiping my nose against his flannel. “I’m scared, Mamí. I’m terrified of being loved, of letting someone see the parts I try to hide. I’m scared of ruining something good before it even has a chance. What if I’m too much? What if I’m too broken, too messy, too complicated to love at all?”
The wind picks up, brushing through my hair, lifting it off my shoulders like gentle fingers.
