“I want to be better. I want to believe that I deserve this—him, this place, a fucking future.” I look up again, staring through the blur of tears at the endless sprawl of stars. “Please, please give me a sign that I’m not ruining everything. That I’m allowed to want this.”
The breeze shifts, cool against my burning skin, almost like a response.
I close my eyes and let it wash over me, taking a deep breath.
For the first time in a long while, it doesn’t feel like I’m talking to empty space. It feels like she’s here, tucked into the night, holding me close like she used to.
“I love you, Mamí.”
I sit in the grass for a moment longer, letting the breeze tickle my skin.
I’m not sure what hurts more—missing her, or the fact that happiness feels wrong without her in it.
The sound of feet crossing the grass comes into earshot.
He comes in hesitant steps, unsure if he should disturb this quiet moment that I’m having, but the truth is, I was hoping he’d come out here.
“Baby, what’re you doin’ out here?”
I glance over my shoulder.
Carter stands barefoot in just a pair of gray sweatpants, hair a mess, face puffy with sleep, and a sleepy scowl carved into his brows.
My throat tightens.
I don’t deserve him.
“I just needed some air,” I choke out.
He probably thinks I’m going to run away after he confessed his love to me. It’s not that I don’t love him, I’m scared to say it out loud; I’m scared that when I do, it will become broken, ruined, like me.
He walks the last few steps and lowers himself beside me with a quiet grunt, settling into the grass.
I stare at the sky, the stars above scattered like shattered glass, glistening in the vast expanse of the Tennessee sky. The full moon glows, casting a soft, illuminating light onto the pasture.
“I want to introduce you to someone,” I finally say.
He shifts beside me, throwing his arm over my shoulders and pulling me tightly into his chest.
I let out a strangled sob, wiping underneath my eyes as I lean into his touch.
“Mamí,” I whisper, “this is Carter.”
Carter doesn’t speak.
The silence between us stretches like a held breath.
Then he inhales slowly, and when I finally risk a glance, he’s staring up at the sky, and under the moonlight, I see a tear escape his eye.
Seeing him like this, fucking breaks me.
His lips part, and his voice comes out quiet.
“Hi, ma’am.”
My hand flies up to my mouth, masking the choked-out sobs that are threatening to escape.
He swallows, glances down at me, and reaches out to wipe the tears underneath my eyes.
