“I ask that to give you an out,” she said.
“And I’ve never asked you to do that,” I said. “Sweetheart, I’d keep you with me all day, every day if it were up to me. But I’m following your lead here. I made my propositions from the start, and I’ll call this what you want, but I’m not going to assume, Alta.”
“So you’d rather‘not assume’and what? Dodge all the questions about what we are? Come tomyfamily’s Thanksgiving forClay,” she sniffed. Was it me or didshesound hurt after duckingmeall day?
I blinked. “Alta, I answered that way because I have no idea how to answer that question. Not unless you want me going out and exposing my whole heart to everyone before I show it to you. The last thing I want is to call this something you’re not comfortablewith and see you walk away because I fucked up and ran my mouth in the wrong way.”
Her head snapped back, her blinking eyes fluttering like each pass would help her see me better. “You think I would leave if you told people we were together?”
I shrugged. “I don’t like to think of you leaving at all, to be honest.”
“Harp,” her voice was light, yet I felt myself shudder as I retreated into my feelings. She watched me; then like a flip of a switch, an angry, indignant realization washed over her face as she narrowed eyes on me. “Augustus Harper, people are not just going to leave you like you think they are.” She said and when I ducked my head, she moved her hand to lift my chin back up. “They’re not, Harper.I’mnot. I don’t want to.”
I looked away. The rush of tonight's emotions drowning me all at once. I heard her swallow, her voice coming out guarded and cautious.
“You don’t believe me?” she asked.
I shrugged.
“Why?”
Lifting my head, I stared straight into her eyes. I could tell she wasn’t telling me everything again, and it was killing me. “Because Alta, I’m fighting with all I am to stop you from becoming everything to me.”
She blinked, that little notch splitting the middle of her forehead as confusion reached her expression. “If that's how you feel, then why fight?”
I sighed, so tired of fighting these feelings. “Because I’ve already lost everything once. I’m not ready to lose it again.”
Eyes that never ceased to remind me of clouds bore into mine. I called them storms because of the emotion she could never hide in them, and the determination behind that emotion. She tried so hard to be understood by those who didn’t get her. I felt like Iunderstood everything about those eyes. About the heart they mirrored.
Which is why my heart dropped when she said, “I don’t want to do this anymore, Harper.”
I jolted physically, my entire body racking backward to take her in. I went so still, the only thing moving were my eyes as they skated all over her, searching for an answer she wasn’t supplying quick enough. My heart felt like it was too heavy for my chest, too broken for it as I waited for her to say something.
Croaking, my voice sounded dark as I asked, “You what now?”
She ripped away from me, raking a hand through her hair as she paced the floor before me. Stopping, she lifted her eyes to mine and took a breath before starting again.
“Harper. I don’t want to do it anymore because I don’t want to only get to see you or touch you orbewith you when I’m frustrated. I want more than that.”
I stopped cold, my stomach feeling sick by the way it was rising and dropping all over the place. While her words sounded distressed, they were good, right? She was saying what I thought she was saying, wasn’t she?
To be clear, I asked, “Okay… Like what?”
“Like… well, how I like it when we go out for food, or when we watch movies together, or even when we just talk. I like that you met my mom and that, even though Ox will probably never admit it, he kind of likes you. And I want to know more about you. I want to know about where you grew up in Connecticut, or why you know how to fix an oven without looking at instructions. I want to know more about your sister—not just now that she’s gone, I want to know the good stuff too.”
“I want to be around you. I—God, I’m not explaining this right.” She cut off, and I slid my fingers under her chin to lift her face to mine, finally rousing myself out of my shell-shocked state to meet her where she was right now.
Looking right into her stormy depths I said, “Just try. I’m listening, Alta. Always.”
Her breath shuddered as she continued to look up at me. “I don’t want to use you up anymore, Harper. I never really did. I just want to be around you. That’s enough for me… it’s everything to me.”
My voice was slow even to my own ears as I asked carefully, “So what you’re saying is, you want to date?”
Dropping her eyes to the ground she pouted, “I don’t know.”
“Alta,” I warned. She wasn’t telling the truth, this girl always knew what she wanted. She wasn’t fooling me. “Cut the shit already. I know you. If you’re mad, tell me you’re mad. If you’re upset, tell me why. If you want to date me, let’s fucking do it. But you don’t hide feelings with me, remember? I’m not everyone else. This is you and me, baby. Just tell me so we can work it out.”
“Okay, fine! Yes. I guess I want to date!” She exploded only for all her steam to fizzle out immediately as she wrapped her arms around herself, peeking up at me. “If that’s okay.”
