Not that I was blaming that on her. That was solely a self-insert because I had a lot of past to forgive if that was the case.
She nodded. “Yes, but not only that. For the future that I wanted. For wanting a future in the first place, even when I’d botched the job the first time around. I forgave myself for it and let myself just want something without feeling guilty or cynical about it. Plus, I took away the God complex that is thinking you know how things are going to turn out when really we never do.”
“That seems… hard,” I said, my shoulders feeling heavy all of a sudden.
“Well, if it was easy everyone would be doing it.” She smirked. “But instead, some people live their lives shrouded in hate and bitterness for the things that have already passed. It’s hard for hurt hearts to learn that it’s possible to move forward cautiously without closing off to every opportunity that arises. You have to identify the opportunities you’re willing to hurt for—work for, and the rest you can leave behind with the past.”
“That is surprisingly harsh, but sound advice,” I said. “What are you Fergusons made out of anyway, titanium audacity?”
She laughed outright this time. Reaching down she picked up the little ball of fur that had been rubbing up against my legs for the past hour. Petting her head, I pet it too. “I’ll give you the courtesy of confessing that I know about you. Clay told me about yoursister. And I want to say that I can’t tell you what’s going to happen there, I know nothing about stuff like that. All I know is, when all I wanted was to disappear, I needed help seeing the reasons not to. And I was just as scared as you are to jump back in feet first. But I did it. With my brothers. With my husband. With my family, old and new. Maybe I’m wrong, maybe we all are, but if there’s any chance that she might need your help, heed it. Don’t run, okay?”
“Huh,” I huffed, feeling simultaneously scolded and uplifted as she slid off the music box, cat in hand. “You should write books or something.”
She grinned.
“I’ve written two. They’re cookbooks though, and Alta loves the key lime pie,” she said, then she turned. “Al, I think I broke your boy. Something’s wrong with his eyes.”
My angel appeared in front of me in a second, soft brown eyes squinting like laser pointers. Cool fingers touched my cheeks and the sweetness of her caress surprised me. There was gentle chastising in her voice as she tsked. “Harper, are you allergic to cats?”
I looked down at the ball of fur that had returned to my feet yet again, remembering how not long ago she’d been curled up in my lap as I gave her pets and scratches. I think she could tell that I needed the comfort, which is why I just shrugged. “I don’t know, but I think I like this one.”
“Come on,” she said. her hand tangling in mine as she shooed the little feline away. “Your eyes are watering like crazy.”
Oh. Now that they mentioned it, my eyes were a little itchy. But I wasn’t complaining as I wrapped my hand around the touch I’d been missing since I arrived here, letting her lead me around the bend of the basement back into that little kitchen from before.
Patting the counter, she instructed me to sit, and I slid up like I was told. I watched her as she moved about the small, dark kitchen.Pulling down a bottle of pills before depositing one in my hand and handing over a bottle of water.
“Take that,” she ordered. “Please.”
I did what she asked, swallowing the pill raw and using the water bottle to press against my temple. You know when someone points something out to you and you suddenly feel terrible? That’s how I felt now. Just how after Clementine had pointed out how fast I was running from forgiveness, it suddenly seemed clear.
Something else was clear too as I watched the girl I adored running a cloth under cold water. I was done with not having her. And when she materialized back in front of me, stepping between my spread legs and leaning close, I let my hands fall to her waist and pulled her in closer.
She didn’t fight, simply lifting her hands up to my face, one lifting my chin and the other bringing the cloth to my eyes as she gently began to wipe at them. Her breath smelled of citrus as she blew lightly along them while she wiped. I never thought I’d miss the smell, I’d smelled it just a couple days ago, but somehow with her upset with me, it felt like it’d been a hundred years.
“You going to tell me what’s wrong, now that I’m dying?” I asked.
To my surprise, she huffed a quiet laugh. “You’re not dying, you just can’t touch Lila anymore. You’re definitely allergic.”
“Oh, damn. She was nice.” The little thing had started following me ever since it saw me and her owner talking and I dropped her a little bit of food on the sly.
Alta raised her eyebrows. “Yeah?”
“Yeah,” I nodded. Then, because I’m dramatic, I pouted. “Nicer than you today.”
She swallowed, not finding it amusing. “Yeah?”
“Yeah.” I paused, waiting for her to say something but she didn’t. I could clearly tell by the tension in her shoulders that she was holding something in that head of hers, but still she kept it fromme, as if I’d be like her family and shut her down the moment she asked me to listen. The next time she moved to wipe my eye, I stopped her, looping my hand around her wrist gently. “Baby, please. No more of this torture.”
She stopped, her storms present again as she looked upon my face. Her eyes rooting around mine like they were hunting for gold. Finally, with the frown I’d gotten used to all day, she spoke in a ragged whisper.
“You haven’t told anyone here that we’re together,” she said, her eyes zeroing in on me for a reaction. The only one I knew for a fact I gave was the pull of my eyebrows, confused as hell.
My heartbeat hammered as seconds ticked between us. I cleared my throat. “Well…arewe together, Alta?”
“We’re sleeping together,” she said.
“But that doesn’t mean anything.” She sucked in a tight breath, immediately attempting to pull away. I tightened my grip on her, pulling her back. “No, sorry, that’s not what I meant. I mean, just because we’re sleeping together doesn’t mean we’re together-together. Or do I have that wrong when you ask if you should leave every time we finish?”
