“Why’s that?”
I sighed. “It’s always been cats and dogs with me and Lis. She liked pink when I liked purple. She liked the sand when I preferred jumping in the water. She wanted to do club activities while I wanted to intern with Apá and Ox at the company. But for whatever reason everyone liked to choose for us. Amá gave me pink and Lis purple. They made me sit on the beach while they swam in the deep end with the big kids. They gave Lis the internship while they couldn’t care less what I did.”
“Ouch,” he hissed. “That’s brutal, Boss. I’m sorry.”
I shook my head. “It’s okay. We weren’t perfect about it but we worked it out. We actually used to switch places sometimes. Trade tasks or roles—If neither of us could handle the boxes our family was putting us in, we’d cover for each other. We had a mutual understanding of sorts.”
“That sounds nice.”
“It was. For as long as it lasted, at least.” I looked at my hands. “But we’ve drifted apart over the years and—I don’t know. I guess she grew out of not wanting to play her given role and I never did. I’ve kept striving to break free of my family’s mold for me.”
“So what then?” he asked. “Why does she bother you so much?”
Screwing my mouth to the side I looked to the waves and not to him.
“Because she knows me.”
He didn’t understand. I could tell by the scrunch of his nose as he continued to listen.
“Harp, before there was you, Melissa was the one who kept my secrets. She’s the one who’s seen me as I am since I was a little girl trading places with her, fantasizing about filling bigger shoes. And as much as I like to challenge her, I don’t think I ever really wanted to beat her at anything. I just wanted to be like her. And I guess it just hurts that she probably knows that and still just… I don’t know—doesn’t like me all that much.”
“Boss,” he said. I could feel his eyes on me but I didn’t feel like looking. I knew they’d be too kind. But he didn’t try to placate me, simply asking, “Then why do you come up here? If it reminds you of your sister and allthat?” he asked, confused.
“Just comforting, I guess.” I shrugged. “Even when we’re having our differences and I can't go to her, I can go to a place she showed me. A place where she had my back just like those old days.”
I hummed, and he hummed back, a faraway look reaching hiseye as he stared off into the endless sea. I myself knew the boundless thoughts the ocean could bring. The contemplation, the worry, the breakthroughs. I’d brought him up here for the opportunity to feel all that, yet I found myself wondering what expression he was giving the water that I wasn’t able to see. What thoughts he was contributing to the ethos that were secret enough that he’d whisper them to the waves without allowing me a glimpse.
And now I was jealous of a body of water. What was wrong with me?
“Harper?” I asked. Suddenly not willing to let that water win. He turned his eyes on me, and I was met with the same sadness I’d been wrestling in his expression all day. And I knew now where it was coming from. “What’s your sister’s name?”
“Mar.”
Gears shifted into place, something I should have put together a long time ago suddenly making perfect sense to me now. Of courseInk and Marwas named after her.Of course.
And suddenly I realized there was meaning in so much more than I realized. “Is that why you chose water to represent her in your tattoos? Because of her name?”
“Yes and no,” he said. “It’s just a coincidence that she loves the water too. If Mar could spend every day on a beach she would. Even better on a boat. Her name just happened to fit.”
“She’s been on your mind lately?”
“A lot has,” he admitted. “She’s been gone for so many years, but there’s something about ten that changes everything in your mind. It seems more final all of a sudden. More helpless too. I’ve never given up hope that one day she’ll just show back up like nothing happened or call my phone like she’d had my number all along. But lately, the possibility of that has seemed farther and farther from reality, and I think it’s driving me a little insane. Driving me to do and think things I normally wouldn’t.”
Something heavy formed in the bottom of my stomach, and Ihoped to God those things he was doing and saying were not the things he was doing and saying with me. I think I’d about die if he said this thing between us was just some fluke for him.
“You know I’m from Connecticut, right?” he asked. I shook my head. Harp had a way of not talking about himself in the past tense. Anything that happened before he existed within the borders of Seaside was a mystery to me. I wanted to change that, but I never knew how to ask. “Grew up there. Went to school there. Was probably going to live there for the rest of my life until Mar left.”
“You never wanted to leave before then?”
He shook his head. “Nope. Growing up, her and I both worked for my family’s businesses. Even when we were young. We grew up there, building things independently and together, and I think both of us were prepared to work there our entire lives. Take over when the time came. All that good stuff.”
That obviously didn’t happen.
“And Mar, she was always the smartest person in the room. I swear if you gave her a problem and a minute to figure it out she’d come back in thirty seconds with notes.” He smiled, and I realized it was good to see him smile when talking about her. He didn’t do it often. “She’s smarter than I’ll ever be, Boss. But Dad wouldn’t hear anything about her being in charge. So if it was gonna be me, I at least wanted to be good enough to hold that spot, you know?”
“Sure, that makes sense,” I said. “So what happened?”
Tortured eyes found mine and he whispered. “I don’t know.”
