A sharp elbow broke me out of my trance. Gerald, ever the old-fashioned gentleman, was looking at me like he had no idea who I was. Like he was appalled at my behavior right now. I didn’t blamehim. I was sort of appalled too. He nudged me forward, trying to get me unstuck from the spot I was rooted to.
“Go give your mom a hug, son,” he said, stern direction prevalent in his voice.
I’d have to thank him later. If not for him, I may not have picked up my lead feet and walked over to her. I may have just stared at her forever, and that may have just killed her. I didn’t want that. I sure as hell wanted her to leave, but I didn’t want to be any meaner than necessary to make that happen.
Wrapping my arms around my mom for the first time in a decade felt weird. For so long I had run down to the kitchen and slung my arm over both her and Mar’s shoulders and planted sloppy kisses on their faces. For so long I had this person, having her right in front of me was almost like she never left. Which really, really hurt my chest. And as her thin, familiar arms wrapped around me in return, I felt something crack inside of me. Something I always knew would crack if I saw her again, even just once.
I shook as I wrapped her up tighter, pulling her into me in an almost frightened grip. All at once I didn’t want to let her go.
“My baby, look how big and grown you are now,” she breathed. Patting my back and allowing me—her literal grown adult son, to hold onto her like he was a child who’d had a bad dream. “I’ve missed you.”
I pulled away.Yankedmyself away like I was wrenching a nail from a wall. It didn’t phase her, her eyes just running along my face, my clothes, my ink. She reached a hand out to touch it, my arm I think, but scared out of my mind, I jerked it back. The motion made her eyes widen and water as she looked up at me.
I cleared my throat though it was useless. “There. You got what you wanted. Now what?”
“Can we talk?”
“We’re talking,” I said. “Can’t do much more than this.”
“Alone, Augustus,” she huffed, her eyes bouncing behind me at our audience. “It’s important.”
Staring at her, I didn’t actually see her. Instead, I saw the other possibilities. The possibility that I wouldn’t want her to leave. The possibility that all this tentative resolve I’d built up around her would come crumbling down in the span of a short conversation.
But then I did see her eyes. Warm but maybe a little desperate. Familiar but tired. Soft but determined. And it reminded me of something.Someone. Someone I’d only known for a year but would give my all for. I’d known my mother my whole life. I could give her one conversation.
With a hand I was afraid to touch her with, I led her to the back rooms away from everyone. She looked cold. I’d at least let her warm up before kicking her out.
In the break room I immediately went to make her tea. She wasn’t a coffee kind of woman and she always enjoyed soft herbal teas, or at least she used to in another life when I’d known her better.
For too long I contemplated if I should give it to her or not. She’d probably enjoy it. Even ten years wouldn’t change that. But we didn’t have any lemon or even the raw sugar that she liked, and—Andwhat was I doing?
I wasn’t supposed to be making her comfortable, I was supposed to be getting her out of here.
Using silence as a shield, I forced myself to finish making the tea without thinking too much about it. Using the time without my eyes on her, I slammed my walls up, telling myself that it was only because she’d caught me off guard that I had this tiny, but also huge feeling that I missed her. Them.Everything.
Because I didn’t. I didn’t miss anything but my sister and I sure as hell didn’t miss the world that drove her away. And I was well to remember that as I turned back to the woman who gave birth to me.My hands only shook a little bit as I set her drink down in front of her, though my heart was quaking.
“Is someone dead?” I finally asked as I sat across from her at the simple breakroom table.
“Augustus, don’t speak like that!”
“Why not?” I asked. “Why else would you be tracking me down after this long. Calling me every day, having people find me—” I broke off, suddenly feeling like an idiot. Becauseof courseit wasn’t Mar calling me all this time. Why would she? Of course it was my family trying to track me down for some unknown reason. I was an idiot for even getting my hopes up. “Why else would you suddenly be here after not giving a damn for so long?”
“I’ve known where mysonwas, Augustus. Everywhere you go, each time you leave, I know. Just because you haven’t wanted to be that doesn’t make you any less mine, young man.” Her voice shook. She was getting upset. But did I care? Could I care when she was saying things that hurt my brain? My heart.
She’d known where I was? What I was doing? I never really hid it, but knowing that now felt shocking in a way. It gave me this weird sense that I’d missed out on something. That I’d been wrong.
Leaving was the only thing I could think to do all those years ago when the suffocating weight of the world around us felt like it cared more about trivial things than what really mattered. My dad was a big contributor to that, refusing to stop working even for a short while in order to really find out what happened. And then later when I found out what he did—or didn't do, I just… I just had to go.
If Mar had to leave, then so did I. End of story.
So should I really care that I was upsetting my mother? Someone who sat by and watched passively as our world came crumbling down?
I shouldn’t, but I did. The fact didn’t stop the hurt that slid between my ribs, though. “Forgive me for not thinking you had it in you to keep up with something once it was gone.”
She sucked in a breath, the blow landing right where it was meant to but not feeling triumphant in the least. It just made me feel every bit as miserable as I was. Too many memories were swarming me every time I looked up at her and recognized someone familiar. I needed to get her out. Now.
“Sorry, Mom—just, what do you want?”
