And that shit hurt.
I looked around, my brain trying to register where I was and what I was doing. Anything other than my world turning upside down and inside out. My attention caught onto our clothes hanging on the four-wheeler. I grabbed my shirt, but instead of putting it on, I handed it to her. She pulled it over herself immediately, then wrapped her arms around her middle as she alternated between looking at the ground and peeking up at me.
A mistake.
I shook my head as the words replayed through it. A fucking mistake?
I could lead her to the water, but I couldn’t make her drink. I couldn’t make her love no matter how much I convinced myself I had. No matter how much of the emotion I poured in from my side. I couldn’t force this. And maybe we’d gone too far in that direction to ever go back now. If her scared, sorry eyes were any indication maybe we’d already broken things.
I knew of at least one thing that was broken.
Looking down at my hands, I cursed them for shaking. They had just been so sure, and now they were cowering with the mixture of fear and anger and sadness all swirling through me. I couldn’t take this. I knew what this would do to me and I’d tried anyway and I just…
“Ceci,” I said. My mouth was somewhere ahead of my brain, one seeming to know what the other wanted to say without the two consulting. “Cee, I’m leaving.”
She stiffened, her back going ramrod straight, her steps bringing her paces closer to me. I fought the urge to take a step away from her. I would not be that man. I wouldn’t be cruel, I just… I had to go.
“Leaving…the beach?” she asked slowly. Something in her voice told me she knew that wouldn’t be the answer.
I rubbed a hand over my face, looking up at her. And there she was. Hair having dried in the mild summer night, bare legs peeking out from underneath my clothes, little toes painted her favorite shade of blue. And she was wringing the bottom of my shirt nervously in her hands, like she knew. She probably did, and it killed me that she was already hurting because of it.
But I was also hurting, and I had to think of myself now. For once.
“The country, Ceci,” I said. “For a little while. Mal invited me out to Oxford for a bit. He’s teaching there and there’s some award he's getting and… I’m going.”
“When?”
“Day after tomorrow.”
“Did you… Did you just decide to go? Right now?”
I looked at her, but just her form, not able to meet her eyes before saying. “Yeah.”
Silence.
There was the sound of the ocean and the sound of my fucking heartbeat, but other than that, nothing. When I looked back up, she had the shirt balled tighter in her hands. Her shoulders were wound up so tight, and her jaw was locking. That terrible habit she had. I could see it from here.
I wanted to ease her troubles, ease her pain. But I couldn’t and I wouldn’t. I needed time to think.That was a mistake. The memory taunted me. Asking me what more there was to think about? Ceci had spoken, and it wasn’t what I was hoping to hear. It was time to give it up.
Looking up at me, Ceci’s sad eyes caught my attention. They were hurt and full of emotion and maybe a little wet, though that surprised me. The look in those eyes broke me. Still, I couldn’t look away.
She opened her mouth to speak but closed it immediately. Taking a deep breath and swallowing she tried again. Finally, she was able to squeeze out a small, defeated voice I’d never heard from her before. “Can I come?”
I pressed my mouth together, a pang of regret coursing through me, too. I wanted to laugh at her bluntness, but it also hurt. She couldn’t come, and her face as she realized that was my answer sent a knife-like feeling through the pit of my stomach.
She tried again in a weaker voice. “Can I visit?”
I said nothing, and her shoulders sagged dejectedly. Her voice breaking on the next line, “Can I call?”
She knew the answer and her shoulders hitched high as she took in a sharp breath, trying to calm herself. Heat and protectiveness surged through me, making me want to take it all back. But I knew I couldn’t.
“Come here, Ceci,” I said. And when she ran to me, I almost gave it all up. But I didn’t. I just wrapped my arms around her, pulling her real close. Cataloging the feel of her body wrapped around mine. Memorizing this feeling for when I missed her or when I felt myself being weak. Leaning down I breathed in the smell of her. A mixture of salt and sand and that faint hint of me. Mine.
But not mine.A mistake.
I hugged her tighter. Bringing my lips down to the top of her head and saying. “We’ll text sometime, okay? And I won’t be gone forever. But you should probably stay away for a while. My family will be coming by to check on the house.”
She didn’t say anything. And I couldn’t resist rubbing her back, hoping to ease some of the tension there. “I’ll stop by your place tomorrow while you’re at work to set up Lila’s stuff, alright? Remember to feed her early, she likes to get up with the sun.”
