Finally, he settled for something simple. “That was fun.”
“The four-wheeler or the after?” I asked, my voice this squeaking thing I didn’t recognize.
He took his time answering. “Both.”
“Connor,” I wheezed. My fear and regret and anxiety mixing in a ball and washing away every ounce of goodness he had just poured over me with his attention.
“What, honey?” he asked, his voice soft and reassuring. His arms banded tightly around me even though he didn’t know what was wrong. And that’s why I loved him. And why I was so devastated.
Maybe not the second I let go, but eventually I was going to lose him because of the line we’d just crossed.
I tried to hold him tighter, but it was impossible. My arms and legs were already aching from squeezing around him so hard. I tried to ease up, but I couldn’t. This was my best friend. My everything that mattered. And while I could never guess how much more time I would have with him wanting to be that for me, I knew I must have accelerated the process after this disaster.
So used to just telling him what’s on my mind, I didn’t even think before I shuddered and vomited my fears all over the place. Speaking into his chest I croaked, “That…was a mistake.”
“A…mistake?” he asked, like he’d never heard the word before. He paused. Then he swallowed like five times before finally he cleared his throat and said, “Just look at me, honey. Let’s start there.”
Fear seemed to prick every nerve in my body, causing me to close my limbs around him and lock as hard as I could. I didn’t want to look at him. Partly because of the sound of his voice but largely because of the look I had been dodging in his eyes. I was scared.
He laughed, but it held absolutely no humor. “Didn’t take you for the shy type, Cee.”
He moved away from me, pulling me out from his embrace and looking down on my face. When I didn't look up at him, he used hands on either side of my cheeks to guide my eyes up.
And just as I suspected, just as I feared, I saw it all there.
All of his patience, and kindness, and tenderness, and protectiveness. All of our long nights and shared dinners and secret meetings and inside jokes. All ofuswere in the rounds of his light brown eyes. No mask, no filter, just us. And it paralyzed me.
What had I said? A mistake? That wasn’t right. The only mistake here were those words. Those stupid, scared words that I wanted to take back immediately. Because the way he was looking at me now couldn’t be the mistake. The way he was looking at me had to be love.
And fuck me, I felt it too.
“Fuck,” he spat, bringing my thoughts back down to earth and to the man in front of me. The curse wasn’t like the ones before—all hopeful and excited, like I'd given him the best present ever. No, it sounded more like someone was taking something from him. Like someone was hurting him. It sounded wrong.
He said it again, and I flinched.
“What?” I asked.
He took a step away from me, looking me over. He had long since covered me back up, but the way he stared at me made me feel like I was still naked. Just as bare and vulnerable as before.
And then he said words I always knew I wouldn’t be able to take from Connor. Words that shattered me from the inside out.
“I can’t fucking take this anymore, Cee.”
Chapter Forty
CONNOR
Regret poured off her in droves. Rushing from her features in large suffocating waves. I felt like my chest was being crushed. Like I couldn’t breathe, and the assailant drilling my fucking heart was a five-foot something redhead with the most stubborn resolve I’d ever seen.
And she was regretting me.
I moved away from her, trying to put distance between my battered heart and her fucking bludgeon. Retreating far enough to feel water dance along the backs of my feet, and then I remembered. Remembered what came before this devastating shot to the heart.
Perfection.
Things had been so damn perfect, from the way we’d laughed in the water to the way she’d come apart in front of me, crying my name in the best way possible. So why were they so messed up now, not five whole minutes following?
Blinking down at those regret filled eyes again, I faced her with the little, tiny strength I had left. I had given it all to her. Given her my heartagain, and like I fucking feared, it was the worst one yet. Because this time she hadn’t stopped or waved it off or ignored the magnetism between us. This time she carried through with it, begged for it, and now she regretted it.
