“But not the only role.”
“Not even close, no matter how he’s bragged.” I give Tovian a watery grin. “Whether or not you and I ever get public credit for organizing the initial resistance doesn’t really matter. We were there. We worked with Ephram and Luza. We know the score.” I place his hand over my heart. “And I never would have had the courage to keep going if it weren’t for you being there at every turn.”
Tovian’s expression softened. “Oh, Sunshine, you’d have kept going without me. If Lorcan hadn’t woken up, you’d have found a way to chase those bastards out of our country. It might have taken you a while, but you have all the qualities of a good leader.”
“I do?”
All my life, I’ve lived in Zosia’s shadow.
I’m not happy that she’s gone. I truly would give anything to have my friend back. Yet in some ways, this summer has been a relief. It gave me a chance to shine. I blew up an entire bridge. I fought men who were stronger than me, and won. I treated battlefield wounds that made Lorcan’s many injuries seem like paper cuts (except the one time when I had to stitch him up in Cata’s kitchen; that was pretty gruesome).
And I met a man who sees me and loves me for what I am. Who thinks I’m the brightest star in his universe.
I’ve been afraid to accept his gift. Scared that it wasn’t real, that I’d find out that he was only interested in me for my proximity to the true Auralian Queen. All it took was one ridiculous [GIFT] for me to see it.
“Yeah, Sunshine, you do.” Tovian ran his thumb over the curve of my cheek. “You’re selfless and determined. You don’t give up, even when a situation seems hopeless. People listen to you because you know how to delegate, and you act decisively even when you’re not totally certain you’re doing the right thing. Finding the balance between sticking with a plan and reassessing when the facts change is never easy. I’ve seen my mother wrestle with it all her life.” He huffed a laugh. “She especially wrestled with it once it became clear that you weren’t a passing fancy for me. You were everything I wanted, and so much more.”
His hand drops to his side.
“Which is why I’ve been gutted that you don’t see me the same way.”
“I do! Tovi, I do—
“Shh.” He places a raised finger against my lips, stilling me. “I know it’s because you don’t see yourself as worthy of what we have, and that breaks me. I cannot fathom it. Took me a long time to understand that your reasons for being wary of me had nothing to do with me at all. Your hesitation was rooted in your relationship with your friends. If you think I haven’t been actively trying to break you away from that perspective, you don’t know me at all.”
I laugh shakily. Tovian did to me what Lorcan did with Zosia, and I never even registered it. Set his sights on me and didn’t stop until I said yes.
Until he realized I wasn’t saying it with my whole heart.
I am now.
I really wish I didn’t cry so easily, but I do, and the entire point of this conversation is that I shouldn’t be ashamed of who I am. “Tovian?”
“Yeah?”
“I’m sorry it took me so long to see you.”
He smiles fondly.
“Just because Lorcan is an idiot, doesn’t mean I am, Raina.”
I laugh, for real, this time. Right on its heels come tears. I break off in a sob and bury my face in his shoulder, letting myself cry for everything I’ve lost: my friends, my naïveté. I weep for fear and excitement about everything I’m becoming: a mother, a queen, with the distinct possibility that I will have to step up on a much larger stage than I ever anticipated. I might have to fight one of my best friends for it, if Lorcan decides to challenge me for the right to rule this kingdom in Zosia’s absence.
I want to protest that he’s wrong about Lorcan being an idiot. I mean, Tovian’s right, of course. But not about Lorcan never wanting me. He and Zosia are caught up—or were caught up—in something grander in scale than I could ever have offered him. They’re elemental. Timeless. Our culture doesn’t believe in direct reincarnation, meaning a soul that comes back over and over again, but part of me believes that if Zosia is really dead, they’ll find one another in their next lives. They’re legends, and it’s taken a severe toll on both of them.
None of this makes me less.
I wouldn’t want to be a living goddess anyway.
I’m content to be right here, in Tovian’s arms, facing our future together.
Which means there’s only one last thing to sort out, and I could really stand to use a handkerchief before blurting out what I say next: “Tovian?”
“Yeah, Sunshine?”
“I still want to marry you. Again, since we’re already wedded in the eyes of your people. But it would mean a lot to me if you’d be willing to go through the Mysec ceremony, too.” I sniffle. Tovian produces a handkerchief. I feel ridiculous blowing my nose right after asking him to be my lawfully wedded husband, but that’s what I do. He’s seen me in less glamorous condition, after all.
Ansi marriages are ephemeral. They can be broken by either party at a moment’s notice. When there’s little impact on the welfare of the children because the basics are covered by your community, there isn’t much point in compelling two people who don’t want to be together anymore to remain coupled.
