“Go on.”
I hold it out. “He’s your friend, too. As flawed as he is, I think you got along.”
“We did.” Tovian sighs. “I’ve never met anyone as lost as he is. Whatever it is he’s looking for, I hope he finds it. There’s a good man buried underneath all that pain.”
I think of the scars that crisscross Lorcan’s body. He’s fought so hard and overcome so much. It hurts to see him falter when he was so close to having everything he wanted. The love of the princess he adored. A sterling reputation. His father’s suicide ruined his prospects, fairly or not. He fought tooth and nail to restore his father’s honor, only to lose it at the last stage of his journey. Hard to believe anyone would accept him as king, now. Not when he’s apparently slept with half the country.
Zosia.
My vision swims.
She’ll be heartbroken. If she’s alive. Which at this point, I’m forced to accept that she probably is not.
Maybe it’s…better that way.
She’ll never know of Lorcan’s betrayal. In time, maybe he’ll remember enough to understand how much she once meant to him. Maybe they were never destined for happiness.
If there’s a lesson in all of this trauma, it’s to seize joy when you find it. Not the way Lorcan has done. The way I’ve been afraid to do with Tovian.
I cradle the gift in my cupped palms.
“Tovi? Want to do the honors?”
PART 4: SPRING
April
Chapter 30
We stare at the [object] in my hands in disbelief.
It’s so perfectly Lorcan.
[A pair of throwing knives? A ???]
My heart shatters. Somewhere deep down, my old friend is still inside that battered shell of a body. Maybe Saskaya is right. We asked too much of him, too soon. We healed his body but never gave a thought to his soul. All that killing must have taken a severe toll.
Without Zosia as his lodestar, all the accumulated darkness in him came out, unchecked.
Tears drip down my face. I’m still laughing, but even I can hear the edge of pain in each helpless guffaw.
“I’m so sorry, Sunshine.”
Tovian drapes one arm around my shoulders in a side-hug, and presses a kiss to my temple.
“I can’t believe she’s gone,” I whisper.
“You don’t know that. There’s still hope.”
I turn to him, my vision still swimming. “We both know better. Zosia died that night. The chances that she’s in the castle are remote. She’d have found a way to signal for help by now.”
“Not necessarily,” Tovian traced the curve of my shoulder with his thumb. “The Sentinels blast anything that moves. If her phone isn’t working for some reason—and that’s a fair assumption—she’d be completely cut off from the world. Hanging a sheet out the window would get her shot. Throwing a bottled message into the river wouldn’t work, either. The glass would likely be broken on the wreckage from the bridge. We couldn’t get within half a kilometer of the exterior wall. It’s going to take a lot of planning and risk to get in there.”
“Tovi, you don’t have to try and hold onto that hope anymore.” I took his face between my hands. “Everything you said the other day was right. I haven’t been able to let go of the past. I’ve been giving you short shrift this entire time, when you’ve been giving me everything.”
We kissed, soft and tentative, but I wasn’t done talking.
“I can accept that Zosia is likely dead. I know Lorcan is on his own to sort his shit out. I’ll try to forgive him for flailing his way through recovery. He did, after all, play a huge role in driving out the invaders.”
