Tovian was right. If Zosia is gone, I’m the next logical leader for the country. If asking my people to accept an Ansi king is difficult, then asking the entire country to accept me as their queen will be far more challenging.
The scary part is that I might have to go up against Lorcan for leadership. He’s so competitive, he’d do anything to win the crown if he wanted it. I don’t want to fight him.
For one thing, I’d lose.
People are calling himThe Hero of Auralia.As if he saved this country all by himself, when it was a collective effort. It makes me furious to think about it.
All I can do is pray he doesn’t decide to make a power grab. Considering where his head is, it would be a disaster for the entire nation. My plan, once we can convene a council of tribes and agree that Zosia isn’t coming back, is to simply assert myself as next in line to the throne. There’s no protocol for this situation. I’m just going to have to make it up as I go.
I hate all of this.
Absently, I rub my low belly. It’s too early to feel movement yet, but I feel connected to the life growing inside me. This baby is the one good thing in my life, now that Tovian has decided to keep his distance.
“Is the wedding off permanently?” My father asks gently.
“No.” I shudder. “I hope not.”
I don’t know, though. He’s still here at River Bend. We shared a bed last night, though we hardly touched. My heart ached to have him so close and yet emotionally distant.
This morning, he headed down to the orphanage to work with the children. He genuinely likes kids. He’s going to be an amazing father.
I’m not so sure I’ll make a halfway decent mother.
Sorry, little one.I rub my stomach again.I swear I always wanted kids.
I’m not convinced I deserve the one I’m having.
“Are you well?” my father asked.
“The nausea is getting worse.”
It comes and goes. Morning sickness is usually a sign that the pregnancy is progressing smoothly, so I don’t mind much. I do wish I had a scale to track my weight gain. I think I’ve lost some weight, but I can’t be sure.
You’re not focused on the baby.Tovian’s accusation weighs heavily on me. I don’t think that was quite fair of him to say. I can do much for it, other than eat right, hydrate, and sleep. Meanwhile, the demands on my time only grow with each passing day.
I understand why he said it, though.
“Try your mother’s tincture. I’m sure the kitchen has the recipe tucked away.”
“I’ll ask for it. Thanks.” I inhaled. “Papa?”
His gaze cut to mine.
“Don’t cancel the wedding yet. Please. Delay it a day or two if you can. Please.”
He brightened.
“You’re going to try and patch things up with Tovian?”
“Try.” I huff. It’s not quite laughter and it sounds like despair. “I’m going to try.”
#
I find Tovian in the makeshift orphanage, meaning, our former ballroom. I could have had the bunk beds cleared out to use it for our wedding celebration. I chose not to. These children have been uprooted enough without having their beds set aside for a party.
He glances up at my approach. There’s a wariness about him that I hate. He feels so distant, like I’m reaching for him across a canyon.
As much as my heart ached during the years I spent pining fruitlessly after Lorcan, I’m in ten times as much pain now. The mere sight of him makes my vision swim.
