“You can still take pictures with your own phones and send them once you get home,” I answered, firmly. Lorcan still had one. I could have called him any time during the past couple of weeks. I wouldn’t have known what to say.
I’m sorry I never gave you a chance? Gaveusa chance?
That wasn’t the kind of thing you just picked up a phone to chat about. If he would even answer a call from me.
The night before the Knauss family, and Scarlett, were set to depart for River Bend, Tahra came to visit while Palla and I were on the terrace reading stories. The girl still didn’t say much, but she liked to listen when I read to her, mostly histories of Auralia. They made my heart squeeze to think of how Lorcan loved this lore. Would have liked reading to her.
“Highness.”
Tahra dropped to one knee. It was, frankly, a ridiculous gesture. I was dressed in loose Covari trousers and a stained white shirt, barefoot, looking anything but regal. The Knauss family is disappointed by my lack of formality. They wanted the beautiful girl in the jade gown.
She doesn’t exist anymore. They get me. Zosia. Reluctant princess, soon-to-be-queen slowly getting a handle on ruling. I’m all that’s left.
“There’s no need for that, Tahra.” I motioned for her to rise. She did, fluidly, in that Covari way that reminded me so much of Cata and Lorcan. Ever since he flounced, Tahra has led the new guards. There wasn’t anyone else ready to take it on. I’m surprised, and gratified, that she stayed on. She chose me over him, which I wouldn’t have expected.
“Are you ready to leave tomorrow with the tour?” I asked.
It’s become a huge undertaking. Mrs. Knauss doesn’t ride horses, so my one functional coach has been pressed into service to convey her and their luggage. Hallie, Laila, and Cyrus have decided to join the tour, along with Scarlett and Arya, serving as official documentarians using a fancy digital camera I found in Cata’s box of belongings. My last-minute request for reporters yielded an invitation to submit photos we’d taken ourselves. DIY press, I suppose.
Honestly, I was looking forward to getting all these guests out of my castle, and out of my hair, so I could focus on my newest idea: building a greenhouse to supplement the castle kitchens through the winter. We could use old horse troughs to make raised beds, since the horses are still mostly running wild.
“I’m packed. The route is planned; Bennet will manage the guards remaining at the castle.” She smiled tightly. A joke; she deputized him to watch over me and Palla in her absence, but he was not to get in the real guards’ way. “We are ready, Highness.”
“Excellent. I have the satellite phones ready for you.”
Tahra nodded, seemed about to speak, then glanced at the little girl on my lap. I sighed. She wanted a private word, probably to ask whether I had heard from Lorcan. Not a subject I wished to discuss with her, or anyone else, for that matter. I missed him terribly, but that heartbreak was mine to nurse as I saw fit. No one else got a say.
“Palla, time to wash up for bed,” I said, nudging her off my thighs. She slipped her stone dagger off the table and glared at my new head guard as she went inside. My fierce little foster daughter. “Is there something else, Tahra?”
“I came to apologize.”
“For what?” I asked, confused.
“I never meant to come between you and Lorcan, Highness. I thought I could make him want me if I could make him see that you didn’t care about him as much as I do. But I was wrong.”
“Have you heard from him, since he left?” I asked quietly. Holding my breath.
“No. Not one word. He didn’t even say goodbye.” Her blue eyes welled with tears. The poor girl’s had her heart broken, too. “I never meant any disrespect toward you, Highness. I know I wasn’t…I didn’t cover myself in glory this summer.” She swallowed. “Lorcan was almost this mythical person. Saskaya was gone for nearly half a year, looking after him and helping him recover. She left her own son to tend to him. He was Lady Cata’s chosen protégé, even though he wasn’t Covari.”
Lorcan was alwayssomething special.
Tahra dashed tears from her cheeks. I can’t think of a time when I’ve ever seen a Covari weep. I learned my own stoicism from Cata. I waited, listening.
“Raghnall needed help with the baby, and I wasn’t old enough to go fight yet, so they told me to hang back and guard the village if needed. For months, I heard all about his adventures. His victories. He was cunning, quick and strong, while I was stuck at home changing diapers.” She sighed. “I’ll never forget when he first came back. It was like meeting a legend.”
Tahra’s romantic reminiscing was starting to grate on my nerves.
“Yes, he earned his reputation,” I said, evenly, wondering whether she would catch the hint of sourness in my tone. “You fell in love with him.”
Along with half the women in Auralia.
As though she’d heard my unspoken thought, Tahra inhaled and stood straighter. “Like everyone did. I wanted to be special to him, and I didn’t want to see that his heart already belonged to you. I’ve been as bad as that gossipy Norah was. I heard her spreading rumors about you being unhappy together. I knew it wasn’t true, but I didn’t say anything because I hoped that if the engagement failed, Lorcan would finally see me. But he didn’t. He left without even saying goodbye.”
I held her eye. I know he was aware that she had her heart set on him. But he breezed out of the castle like a shadow in the night, as if he’d never been here at all, taking half of the castle’s hearts with him. Including mine.
She gave a shuddery sigh. Like that, her tears were gone.
“I’ve been a fool, though. If I’d gotten what I wanted, I would have to leave behind everything that makes me Covari. We don’t allow anyone to marry into the tribe. The elders won’t change the rule. Not even for him,” Tahra inhaled before continuing. “Which makes my resentment this summer even more childish. What I understand now is that he didn’t want you because you were a princess. He wanted you despite it.”
