It was like being smacked on an open wound. I knew that coming back here would mean facing scrutiny. I didn’t know it would so quickly turn caustic. I wasn’t a popular princess. Everyone had to put up with me because I was the last one. That is still the case, but now I have something other people want: an engagement to the Auralian Hero.
One I wouldn’t have, were I not a princess, and he didn’t desire a crown.
Lorcan came out onto the balcony, his hair damp from bathing. My breath caught. I wanted him so badly. It is a constant raw ache that he doesn’t feel the same desperate way about me.
Lorcan bent over me where I was sitting at the rough wooden table Ifran had brought for us to dine privately. He brushed his thumb over my cheek.
“Good call with Raina?”
“Mostly. She thought our argument about the drawbridge was silly. I have to say I agree.”
It’s not quite an apology. I don’t feel as though one is warranted, on either side. We had a discussion and worked it out. Had it not been for all the eyes and ears upon us, we wouldn’t need to revisit the matter now.
“I shouldn’t have contradicted you.”
“You’re my head of security, Lorcan. I always want you to speak your mind. Please.” We will weather this small setback. If we can’t, what does it say about our prospects for happiness together?
“Of course. Anything for you, Princess.” Lorcan dropped into the other chair.
“Except sex,” I pointed out, dryly.
“Temporarily.” He poured wine into my glass. Two fingers’ worth. I can’t handle much more. “Is it so bad to wait a few more weeks?”
“Two and a half months. I am counting every minute of every day.” I raised it for a toast. He touched it with his, a soft ping. “I have been disappointed too many times to believe waiting isn’t a risk, Knight.”
“I trust I am not a disappointment to you, Princess.”
I stared out over the cracked balcony rail, trying to decide how to respond. “No,” I lied, knowing full well that if I couldn’t bring myself to be honest with him now, I had no right to expect him to be honest with me later. “Not you.”
I sighed. What if I let go? Stopped worrying that he will betray me again?
I keep trying to.
I couldn’t fool Tovian. I wonder who else sees through my efforts to maintain appearances. Does Lorcan?
Reaching over, I took his hand and squeezed. Lorcan kissed my knuckles right above the ring he gave me in Oceanside.
“Did you get enough to eat?” he asked.
“I’m finished.” It’s an evasive response because I’ve decided to give up trying to get back to where I was before the war. To being the person I was, then. I’m physically recovered enough to fulfill my duties, and that will have to suffice. But I haven’t told Saskaya, Raina or even Lorcan. I’m tired of thinking about food, and I have run out of time to rest. This is who I am, now. The sooner I own it, the sooner people will move on to criticizing me for other things.
Maybe the fact that no one has ever had much use for me, Zosia, will finally work in my favor.
* * *
We were in bed, Lorcan with his shirt off and his hand under my nightdress, together this way for the first time since Oceanside when a frantic knocking at the bedroom door startled us apart. One minute he was pressed against me; the next, his warmth replaced by cool air.
Norah, her blond hair in a loose braid down her back, a simple robe knotted at her waist, entered without waiting for a signal from either of us. Her gaze lingered on Lorcan’s naked chest and skimmed lower, to where he was unmistakably aroused. I swallowed my annoyance.
“It’s Palla,” she said. “She won’t stop screaming.” My maid’s eyes found mine. “She keeps screaming ‘princess’.”
I hurried toward the door. Lorcan stopped me.
“It could be a ruse.”
“Lorcan, I can hear the poor girl.” Faint, echoing shrieks accompanied Norah’s intrusion.
He tensed. “Let me go first. Just in case.”
