“People would travel as far and as often as necessary to honor the occasion.”
“Would they, Tovian?”
We paused, leaning against a stone wall to converse in low tones.
“You will be their Queen, Zosia. Why wouldn’t they come?”
I tried to breathe through the tight, hot pressure in my lungs. The old familiar feeling of failure and anxiety, of not being good enough to please anyone. It was back. “I suppose. I wouldn’t want to put anyone out. They have enough work to contend with.”
Tovian regarded me thoughtfully.
“You are to be their Queen,” he repeated.
“Which means I must put the needs of my people above my own. You know this. Your mother does. Raina does.”
“When Raina and I married, there was opposition. Especially from the Myseci. We knew we could weather it because we were both committed to the union. I see your hesitation, and I worry that this will end in heartbreak. You both deserve happiness with everything you’ve been through. Not more pain.”
You deserve better than a sham marriage, Kenton told me that night he refused me. What I deserve generally has little relation to what I get. Perhaps I don’t deserve good things, because of what I am.
Everyone thinks being a princess is an easy life. Instant respect, beautiful gowns, a castle to live in forever. But it’s a trap. You can’t escape, and it costs you everything that matters. Love. Independence. Privacy. Autonomy. Your entire self-worth becomes wrapped up in the title. Everything you are becomes worthless.
Your life in service to the crown.
Here in Cannavale, it is obvious that Lorcan still has his pick of any woman he might want. I find it impossible to believe that, without my title, he would voluntarily shun them in favor of me. No one ever puts me first. He didn’t. My father didn’t. Cata certainly didn’t, though she tried to soften my father’s harshness. I thought I could get past the depth of that wound by ignoring it, and I have tried to, but I’m not fooling Tovian.
Every time I’ve tried to speak about my fears, though, people have brushed them off. Told me that I was silly to worry, or stupid to have them. That I was privileged to live this life and loneliness was my lot. I therefore said nothing, now.
“Do you ever think about quitting?” I asked, in a rush of breath.
“Quitting what?” Tovian asked, his brows knitting.
“Royalty. Giving it all up. Just walking away from leadership and everything that comes with it.”
“No. But I know I could, at any time.”
“I think about it every day. Every hour. I never asked for this life.” I scuffed the dirty stone with the toe of my slipper. Sunlight beat down on the back of my neck. I shivered in spite of the warm day. “But I can’t. There isn’t anyone else. The stakes of this marriage are so very high, Tovi, both for me, personally, and for the entire country. It would shake the people’s confidence in me, if a second wedding were to fall apart at the last minute.”
It would be a devastating blow to my own small crumb of confidence. It already is. What seemed like a reasonable thing to do in Oceanside feels more and more like a mistake.
Tovian seemed to understand the unspoken part. He squeezed my arm.
“I told him he should have been firmer with Tahra. Someone had to say something about her behavior and it should have been him. I think Keryn and I made the situation worse. Now, she feels like Lorcan is the only one who truly understands her, and vice versa, because they’ve become friends. Tahra thinks that if you weren’t a princess, you wouldn’t have such a hold on Lorcan’s heart.”
“I wouldn’t,” I said flatly. “I try not to think about it.”
He has an unbreakable grip on mine.
We spotted Lorcan and Tahra coming down the street, trailed by Bennet and Palla. Speaking of hero worship, Bennet had gone from surly skeptic to dogging my knight’s heels. It’s darkly amusing, how quickly he latched onto the Hero of Auralia. Lorcan has that effect on people.
Palla, however, came to stand beside me. The one female person in the entire country to choose me over my knight. She still hasn’t spoken a single word to anyone. As far as I can tell, she hangs by me because she thinks I can protect her. I will. As best I can. She goes nowhere without Bennet or me, or without her trusty weapon.
It puts my worries into perspective. Fretting over one dress or two is an absurd luxury. The pressure in my chest eased. I smiled.
“Reba wants to see you, Lorcan.”
I saw him glance between Tovian and me, as though he knew we’d been talking about him before he came upon us. Almost as though he didn’t like the idea of me confiding in anyone other than him. He wants me to himself. I don’t think he understands that, being a princess, I can never be his alone.
I wonder what he will do when he finally comprehends that he will always share me with the history he reveres.
