“The only time I was ever going to have a chance to date anyone without public scrutiny was in Scotland, and you,selfish idiot, took that opportunity from me.”
“I did.”
“And then you claimed that same privilege for yourself, you fucking hypocrite.”Let me go.I need him to stop touching me. I feel too raw for this. Five minutes ago, I thought I was finally going to get something out of this horrible push-pull. Now, I just feel tricked. Angry, and deceived. Again.
“I did. And I’m sorry.”
He’s not sorry. I can hear it in his voice, which is still full of amusement.
“No, you’re not. You’d do it all over again.”
“I would change several things. I wouldn’t have left you so nobly that night we were together.”
“Which means you’d have fucked your way through Auralia after having been with me.” I attempted one of the hold-breaks Cata taught me. Remembering her makes my eyes water. He stopped me easily; Lorcan trained with her, too. “You’re delusional if you think there’s any way we’d have come back from that.”
“There wouldn’t have been anyone else. I’d have married you the instant you were willing. Scotland has a tradition of eloping; I should have taken advantage of it. I should have claimed you when your father tried to pressure you into an engagement you didn’t want.”
“You’re assuming I’d have married you, then.”
I totally would have, and he knows it. I exhaled in a harsh, angry sob.
That, finally, made him loosen his grip. I shoved hard and gained my freedom, stumbling back a couple of steps. I stared him down, waiting for an apology I knew wasn’t coming.
“You’re right, Zosia. I should have let you go in Trissau, but I couldn’t do it. I wanted to be your first everything. I still do—”
I cut him off. “You wanted to be my first everything, and yet you saved no first for me. I have—”
“First love.” He touched his forehead to mine, clasping my hair, stroking it. I felt his tremble. Heard the desperate truth. “You’ve always had that. First love. Last love. Only love. No one else will ever have that Zosia. Only you.”
For several seconds, only the sound of our breath filled the rock cave.
“I never saw myself as your jailer, Princess. I saw myself giving you the freedom you craved.” He swallowed hard. “I thought we would go to Scotland—to Europe—and have those adventures together. I never thought you would despise me on sight.”
“Because you traded my freedom for your own advancement!”
He flinched. “I didn’t—”
I growled.
“See? If we do this now, you’ll always doubt me. If you can think of another way I can prove myself to you, say it. Tell me. You name it, I’ll do it.”
“Stop playing games with me, Lorcan. That would be a great start.”
He winced. “I’m not playing games. I’m serious. I know how badly you want sex, and I want that, too. But if I give you what you want now, you’ll put off a wedding indefinitely. You’ll delay it because you’re busy with rebuilding. With finishing your degree—”
“As if that’ll ever happen now—” I scoffed.
“—with ruling. There will be a hundred reasons, and to me, they’ll feel like excuses. I don’t want to be the knight you fuck on the side, Princess.” Lorcan’s gaze never left mine. “I want to stand at your side forever. I want you to choose me.”
I took a deep breath, turned on my heel, and walked out.
Getting down from the ledge was easy. I simply hopped down and landed with bent knees. I wanted to crawl out of my skin with outrage. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed me as I stalked toward the women’s bathing pool. I know they heard us shouting. I’m too much in my feelings to care.
I want Lorcan’s handprints off my body. Now.
I should find someone else to sleep with. If I could, in this state. Just to show I can. But it wouldn’t drive him away. He as good as told me that. And then we’d both have to live with the guilt.
To be a good, rational leader, I can’t make decisions from high feelings. That’s been Lorcan’s unwitting lesson to me this summer.
