They haven’t. He thinks it’s enough to tell me he’ll never betray me again. Yet he’s never told Tahra that her attempts to monopolize his attention are inappropriate and need to stop. He does nothing to deter the women who make eyes at him here in the village. I don’t know whether he was still taking them to bed the last time he was here, and I don’t want to think about it, either.
His response to Masika, back in his home village, was to make a show out of dancing with me.
It’s the same question I never answered when we were back in Scotland: does he enjoy having the attention of multiple women—then, it was Raina and me—or does he genuinely not know what they’re after? Am I being overly suspicious?
That’s what he would say. There’s no point in asking him. He’d take offense and all I would get is an argument—as though we can avoid one now.
I can’t trust him, whatever the answer. I love him; I know he loves me. Love isn’t the problem. It’s not enough. I’m not enough. Never have been. Never will be.
I pulled on a clean pair of trousers, quickly, with my back turned to him. His four fingerprints visible above the waistband, below my navel, aren’t quite so charming, now.
“Where are you going?” Lorcan asked when I try to get up.
“To ask Queen Brenica to perform the honors.”Calling your bluff, Knight.I know he won’t go through with it. He wants the princess. Me? I’m nothing. “You want to get married? Let’s do this.”
CHAPTERTWENTY
Lorcan shook his head. A vehement no.
“I intend to marry you in front of the whole world, Zosia. Nothing hidden or secret. I’ve had enough of that.” Lorcan dragged me in for an attempted kiss. I turned away, and he said in my ear, “If you want to get laid, announce our wedding to coincide with your coronation ceremony. Everyone expects us to do both at once. Make your people happy.”
I did hit him, then. I managed one good slap to his shoulder, which made him laugh, which in turn made me growl. He’s so much stronger than I am that I couldn’t immediately get away. He held my arms easily, pinning me against him while I ranted.
“You’re the most conniving, unfaithful knight ever to plague a princess—”
“I knew you were going to hate it,” he chuckled, though hurt flashed over his face.
“Then, why are you doing it? Why are you so manipulative?” I shoved hard against his chest. He finally let go. “Why do I keep falling for it? I hate this. I hateyou.Why do I keep letting you get away with this shit?”
I stalked toward the opening of our cave.
“Zosh.”
He’s on his feet, with a look that’s halfway between pity and contrition. Not good enough.
“Don’t ‘Zosh’ me!” I smacked his hand away when he tried to touch me, disgusted by my own cliché. “I am sick and tired of the way you tease and promise andnever fucking follow through. Three years we’ve been doing this stupid dance. I’m done with it. I’m done with you!”
I took two steps forward. He pulled me back hard enough to spin me around to face him. Lorcan took my face in his hands and spoke low and urgently into my ear.
“You have every right to be angry with me. I will regret not waiting for you every single day of the rest of my life. I would far rather have shared that memory with you, than strangers whose names and faces I don’t remember.”
“Gods, Lorcan, how many were there?” I groaned, then hastened to add, “Don’t answer that. I don’t want to know.”
It doesn’t matter. Can’t unring that bell. That’s not the point. The point is that he is holding me to an artificial standard he doesn’t feel compelled to meet for himself. He’s costing me my one chance at a future that’s worth living. It’s unfair. It’s bullshit. I’m fucking furious. I don’t have time for this crap.
He took me in his arms again, though I resisted, fists planted on his chest, holding him at bay.
“I can’t undo it. All I can do is prove to you that I can and will resist temptation. The highest temptation. You. Think of it as a wedding gift, because if I don’t find a way to prove to you that I won’t ever seek out anyone else, I know you’ll always harbor doubts about me. It will eat you alive. I am doing this to earn your trust.”
“That is the most twisted logic I’ve ever heard, Lorcan. You refuse to have sex with me to prove to me that I can trust you not to have sex with other people? You’ve never had any trouble saying no to me. You said yes to plenty of others. Make it make sense.”
He was still smiling. The bastard thinks he’s clever. I pushed harder against the wall of his chest. He didn’t budge.
“I know I deprived you of the experiences you wanted to have when we were abroad, Zosia.”
“You’re doing it again now.” Tears scratched my eyelids, but I refused to let them fall.
“Temporarily. For a good reason.”
