I tried to breathe past the tightening of my chest.
“You once said you were afraid that all you were was an assassin. That there was nothing more to you than the ability to take lives.” My voice sounds strained even to my own ears.
“The period between when Saskaya sent me out of the Temple to fight until the day I found you was my worst nightmare. That’s all I did. Kill pirates. Kill Skía. Take down encampments, steal or destroy their supplies, and repeat the process all the way from Central Auralia to Oceanside.” He lifted one shoulder and let it fall, but I could see how tormented he is about what we asked him to do for us. “I thought the least my supposed friend could do was stay out of the way while I...blew off steam. I was unrepentant and rude. We fought. Physically.”
I closed my eyes.
“I didn’t hurt her,” Lorcan hastened to reassure me. “She tried to hit me, and I wouldn’t let her. Raina is stronger than I thought. We fell onto the bed. I think she was scared I would—” He paled slightly beneath his tan. “She didn’t know what I would do. If I meant to hurt her. I didn’t know she was pregnant at the time. They were keeping it a secret. Tovian found us like that and nearly murdered me. If she’d given the word, I wouldn’t be sitting here with you.”
“You didn’t care whether you lived or died,” I whispered.
“No.” Lorcan examined his hands. “I had lost my way. I’d lost you, and despite everyone telling me that was the way I needed to go, I didn’t believe them.”
Birds sang. Grasshoppers whirred. I waited.
“Raina ordered me to get my ass to the castle and not to come back to River Bend unless it was with you. I told her I wasn’t…I wasn’t in any rush to save a spoiled brat of a princess.”
Twist my guts and rip them out through my throat, why don’t you.Then again, is he wrong? “When was this?”
“April.”
“You left me sitting in the castle for all that time? Knowingly?” I gaped at him, aghast. The details clicked into place instantly. “If you’d come right after you woke up, I wouldn’t have starved. The kitchen roof caved sometime in March. It was the last heavy snow of the season.”
“I remember it. Melting snow made the roads almost impossible to get through for weeks.” He blew out a sigh. “I’m sorry, Zosia, I’m so sorry.”
I stared at my hands, wishing I’d left the past in the past.
“Raina fired the maid on the spot.”
Why he offered this information, I don’t know. He got a servant fired. It’s not his fault entirely—I’m sure she was willing—but without him, it wouldn’t have happened. It makes what he did worse, not better, that a maid suffered the consequences.
“As she should.” If you tolerate staff sleeping around on the job, you don’t have a properly run castle; you have a brothel with a vicious gossip problem. Who’s sleeping with whom, which nobles are the easiest to lure away from their spouses, questions about the paternity of every child born to the nobility. Infidelity is highly frowned upon here, for good reason. A queen who permits that kind of behavior quickly loses the respect of her people. Eventually you have to fire almost everyone and hire new workers—a task made more difficult when most of the population refuses to work for you. It can take years for the nobility to recover standing among the people.
It’s why the castle manager is so important. It’s the most visible expression of the queen’s ability to maintain order and justice. Setting expectations and enforcing them fairly is vital.
One more reason our engagement is, and must remain, a sham.
Lorcan’s expression turned stony. “I disagreed. To Raina’s face. Thinking back, that was an incredibly stupid thing to do. I didn’t like being the reason the maid was fired. I wanted to help her but didn’t even know her name. Raina threw me off the premises before I could ask around. After that, I started to wonder how many other women I’d gotten into trouble with my selfish behavior. I swear I stopped after that.”
“That was three months ago, Lorcan. Half that time, you’ve been with me.”
I sipped shallow breaths. I reallydon’tmean anything to him. He’d have happily gone off to rescue a maid whose name he didn’t know, but me? I could rot in my castle for all he cared.
Until he conveniently remembered that he had a shot at becoming king. Then, suddenly, he’s all sweet and loving again.
I pushed out of my chair and slammed into the house. It’s not the way to react if I want him to be honest in the future, but Auralia help me; it hurts.
I’m glad I didn’t see things through with him the other day. Something inside me was telling me not to go through with it, and when I didn’t listen, it hijacked my entire nervous system to shut things down. My instincts might not be so terrible after all, if I simply listen to them. Stop pining for what I know I can’t have, focus on what I need. What my people need.
My knuckles turned white where I clutched the countertop. I observed this dispassionately, as though from a great distance. The bright sky and bucolic countryside visible through the window frame were as unreal to me as the first time I landed in Scotland.
I don’t belong here any more than I do at River Bend, or Covari Village. I need to leave this place. Soon. I can’t go without Lorcan—the Skía might be diminished but they’re still lurking in the shadows, biding their time. I don’t know where to go, though.
Adrift, again.
Raina mentioned something about going to Oceanside the other day. A long trip might be what I need. See my country. Take stock. Be more visible. I doubt my mother or grandmother would have wasted weeks sulking in the mountains.
Lorcan came in quietly, carrying my birthday gift. We eyed one another warily. “You said you wanted the truth.”
